I want to write, I have been looking forward to sitting down and writing all week, now that I'm here I'm nervous, shy and feel like I don't have anything important to say, oh hi anxiety, last time you paid me a visit was when the cashier tried to take my order at Wasabi in Waterloo #funtimes #coldsweat #runningoutoftheshopwithteriyakichicken.
It's a funny thing anxiety, not literally funny before I get the PC brigade on my case, but it is funny how your head, your brain, your own body, these things that belong to you on your time on this earth and would cease to exist without your heartbeat can turn on you and render you speechless and feeling like you're worthless, dull and irrelevant, we live in a really messed up place #stoptheworldpleaseIwanttogetoff.
I don't even remember when this started being a serious set back for me, it's been so long, for me it comes in frequent pangs and the thing that bothers me the most about it is that I KNOW this isn't me, but no amount of telling me this isn't me will stop it. I don't get upset when people don't understand it, I'm happy that they don't deal with it, also envious (shh, don't tell anyone).
To an extent anxiety is is invisible.
Which is why I don't get upset. If you have anxiety, you recognise anxiety. In the same way if you have curly hair, you understand the struggles of curly hair more than someone with straight hair would (I have straight hair by the way, dead straight #hateit #onlygirlswithstraighthaircantrulyrelate). Don't get me wrong I'm not trivialising it, well not intending to anyway, but that fact of the matter is, this feeling, this voice that tells us to stay quiet, avoid eye contact and not embrace ourselves, is in OUR own head, nobody else can do anything about that but us, regardless of how many people we talk to or how much help we get, only YOU can actually take action and change how you perceive yourself, it is not easy, but it is worth it, it is not a straightforward problem, but it all falls down to how, you, perceive, yourself.
That's not to say the fault lies with the person suffering it, I want to make that clear right now, without sounding too activist-y, its the world we live in, everything that is advertised to us daily supports us losing ourselves and human understanding to 'growth' in this material world. Rather than encouraging us to grow as a species, race, however you want to look at it.
So when I think of a solution I think..
Yes we need to understand peoples flaws AND I see my anxiety as a flaw before anyone gets defensive, in my heart I know I'm amazing and a wonderful human being, my head is the part that tells me otherwise, so to me this is a flaw. We should be gracious and accepting, understanding and forgiving of peoples flaws, but personally, and please understand this is simply my opinion on something I battle with almost every single day, mollycoddling people and defending this head space, allowing this feeling to continue is wrong and frankly, it helps no one grow.
We need to empower one another to do better, not sit there and let the negativity flow, we need to remember we are in control. If your friend had just been dumped would you allow them to sit in the dark, in scabby tracksuits, having not brushed their teeth in a week and living off pizza, ice cream and Disney films, I mean there is room for that occasionally, yes, I am partial to hiding in tracksuits with ice cream and TV, but in my opinion if you were a true friend, you would drag them out of bed, get them out of the house and do something that makes them remember they are blessed and life can be good! This is what we need to be doing, not allowing this negativity and this awful, unfortunate environment we've been forced captive into to get the better of us and teach us anything but human nature.
I am a very disciplined person, it doesn't come naturally and I know it is easier said than done, but one of the ways I have helped almost eliminate anxiety from my life in my friendship groups is by not allowing it to come in to my head, literally blocking it out and remembering everything that others see in me, because otherwise I will be silent forever, all of those amazing jokes, stories, conversations and memories will be lost, because I couldn't stand up to myself.
I don't want to live like that and only I can make sure I don't.
I'm not quite there when it comes to people I don't know, this should be easier, right? But I judge myself so I assume others are judging me, for how I look, how I talk, how I smell, how I laugh, how much money I have, what my social status is, where I live, this list could honestly go on forever, I shan't bore you. However I rarely judge a person I don't know or do know for that matter, were all just getting on with life as far as I'm concerned, yet I NEVER apply this logic when I'm in the situation where the cashier at Tesco has asked me how my day has been and I start panicking, and it NEVER crosses my mind that I've probably made myself out to be an even bigger fool through my response, someone who probably will be branded a weirdo now, brilliant, exactly what I was trying to avoid.
Its a complicated fight, an uphill struggle for sure, and you can win.
I will not let this conquer me.
I will end with one quote that my Mimi once told me, I will never forget it, it helps me everyday, and I know if applied, it can help you too.
'The mind is a wonderful slave, but a terrible master.'
