I've been feeling a little overwhelmed lately, so today I want to take some time out to remember all the things I love about myself and why. I'm hoping this will put a spring back in my step and I want you to join me if you've been feeling a bit pants too, today I'll keep it short lets pick 5 things and give ourselves some love!
I am the most organzied person I know... Now, I probably got a head start given my family are completely chill, however out of everyone I know and have come across in my journey of life, I do organization the best and that makes me smile in my little, freaky, overly organized mind.
I keep it real... Really this should be number one but I didnt think of it first. I keep it real in every sense of the word, I don't sugarcoat anything, I'm outspoken, I'm not silent on things that I dont agree with, I'm not one to throw shade behind your back and feel a way to say it to your face, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I really appreciate this quality in other people so I strive to ensure I always keep it real and it makes me happy that this is part of my character and who I am.
I am not embarassed to question things I dont understand... There is nothing I dislike more than entitled stupidity, if I don't know something or understand something I will ask someone to explain it and research it myself, I cannot stand people, sorry if it sounds mean but I'm being genuine, but I actually can't stand people who are stupid, know they're stupid and do nothing to change it. I know ignorance is supposedly bliss but is it really though?
I am not afraid to be myself and I really don't care what people think of me... I am who I am, if you like it, good for you, if you dont, thats too bad. I like me, I'm proud of who I am and I'm always trying to improve myself.
I am a good friend... I might waffle on a lot about myself and my problems, but ultimately I am a good friend, hopefully my friends vouch for me there haha, it would be rather awkward if they didnt. I am loyal, generous and I care, if you need me at 9am or 3am I am there for you, I will always be there for you and will always do my best by you. One sidenote, I do not accept being taken for granted by people, so if you are taking the piss, I wil cut you out of my life and feel no way about it, it might seem harsh, but if I put effort to make you happy and keep you smiling, I expect you to do the same for me, every relationship should be equal.
So in short, you best believe I'm BAWSAY in every sense of the word.
Sunday, 31 July 2016
Tuesday, 26 July 2016
Diary of a 23 year old nobody: 18/07-24/07
18th July 2016
I had such an uncomfortable nights sleep yesterday, my tummy is just giving me so much grief. I feel anxious as well because I know I need today off but I also have my training and I don't want to miss out. I spend much of my early morning panicking, I start feeling sick and try to relax then start panicking again. I try to get ready, iron my clothes, shower. In the shower I almost collapse from exhaustion, I haven't eaten properly for 2 days now. Just bland foods to stop myself getting any worse, it's hot as hell outside and I'm so dehydrated. I rinse off and wrap myself in a towel. I brush my teeth, moisturise and slump on the bed. My head is spinning and my feet are dead. I can't force myself to go in. I do not feel good at all. But my training, my training, I call in and ask to speak to a manager, I explain the situation and try and figure out a resolution, the manager tells me to take the day off and not to stress myself out about my training, we should be able to do it another time. I follow her advice. I get changed back into comfortable clothes and try to sleep more. I try and try but to no avail, my body is starving, I pull a dress on and take a slow walk to the supermarket. I grab some Turkish bread it's the only thing I can look at that doesn't make me feel like I'm going to hurl, walking back down to the house past all the butchers makes my body convulse, it's almost enough to put me off meat for life. Not much else happened today, I headed to Clapham to go to the doctors but there were no appointments, I was too tired to head home so I went to Aaron's mums house. I sit outside for an hour or so, the weather is stunning, it is so nice to see a bit of sun grace the UK with its presence and having its glory shine upon me makes me feel so elated, but the heat, it makes me feel so much worse, so bad I have to go indoors and rest in the house, the twisting corridor lets a wonderful breeze wind its way through the house, it is like a cool summer night inside. Eventually I pick myself up, pack my things and Aaron and I get a cab back home, when we get in we get ready for bed. As usual I straighten up the house a little bit and fall asleep shortly afterwards, I cannot sleep in a messy space.
19th July 2016
My body feels so rested. I sleep in today and everytime I wake up my body finally allows me to fall back into slumber. Thank goodness, this is all I've needed this whole time, I need to make an effort to eat well today and drink plenty of water. I call in to work today and advise I won't make it in, my tummy is still angry with me and I still don't know why. I've cancelled my plans for Portsmouth, I don't feel well enough to go and I need to go back to work asap I cannot afford to be sick at the moment, imagine this is our life, this is what we work hard for, to get ill from overworking ourselves, but never being able to fully recover because we have to go back to work before we are ready to ensure we don't lose our stability. I am passionate about writing I want to make a career in writing, yet the only time I have spare to invest is late hours in the evening and early hours in the morning, the curse of creativity... "Freedom". Back to Portsmouth, I will make it up to K, she's such a good friend I'm very worried about disappointing her and all I want right now is to have some time with her. To be honest, I'm really annoyed I can't go, I'm annoyed with myself, but I don't feel good and I almost always feel guilty taking time off when I'm sick, I know I'm anxious, I know I will be stressing constantly if I am there. I prop myself up with my laptop and a light breakfast and start working on my blog, I have some more different stuff coming up. I head back down to Clapham to try and see if my GP can get me in today, still no appointments, it's really getting on my nerves now because I need to get my pill as well, I thought if I went down there I could at least sort that out. They have nothing tomorrow as well but advise I can call at 8am and 3pm to see if I can get an emergency appointment, but everyone calls at 8 & 3 so I never get through. I head over to Aaron's mums again, the house is quiet and cool, it's so exhausting getting back home and I can't really afford a cab today especially knowing this is the second day I have had to take off of work. I manage to eat some flatbread and a little bit of lamb before heading downstairs for a nap, rather than waking me up Aaron curls up next to me a couple of hours later and we spend the night there.
20th July 2016
I wake up to the light being flicked on, Aaron is getting ready for work, I completely forgot I was here. He asks how I am, I murmer, the same just less nausea. I pass out for another hour or so before I get a call, he always calls when he reaches work while he's walking in. I do not have the energy to speak, he tells me I need to rest and he will speak with me later. I text my colleague and try the GP again- still no appointments, I fall asleep for a few more hours. Eventually I reluctantly drag myself from bed 11:30am (unusual, I must be tired), I brush my teeth, wash myself and get dressed, I call my grandma and ask if I can stay with her as I want to keep trying to get an appointment, she tells me to come over when I'm ready. I call work to tell them to cancel the leave booked for Portsmouth as I'll be back in tomorrow, I cannot take anymore time as much as I need to. I chat with Aarons mum in the morning for a couple of hours and get the bus to my grandmas, the thought of walking in this heat makes me feel even worse than I already do.
When I arrive at my grandmas, she prepares me soup, she knows I havent been able to eat properly for the last few days, I get about halfway through the bowl before I admit defeat. I just cant do it, the combination of weather and nausea is making it very difficult for me to eat anything, this is strange for me, I always find space for food. My grandma drives me to my house to pick up some fresh clothes and on the way back we stop off at a corner shop in Norbury to pick up some Lays crisps, we all know they're the best. I speak with my mum who is currently interning with a family member, she's a bit flustered so we agree to catch up another time. Me and my grandma continue our drive back to Clapham, I can finally enjoy the weather without the heat, the joys of aircon! When we arrive back I make myself a Lays crisp sandwich, basically at the moment I am surviving off of bread, I can't eat anything else. Later in the evening I walk down to Aaron's mums, I promised I would grab her some loo roll earlier, I brought a few rolls from my house, we have loads. I sit with Aaron for a couple of hours and we chat about our future, kids and all of that, it's weird not going home together or seeing eachother at home after work, but I like it, it reminds me of when we first started going out. We had some food, I ate, you guessed, more bread! I walked in my flip flips down there all my other shoes are too hot, this will never happen again I hate feet. plus I scraped my foot bad, and got a blister on the inside of my toe, so not ideal. I actually comtemplated taking an Uber up the road for a good 20 minutes, pure pain or pure laziness? I didnt sucumb to temptation, I got the bus back to my grandmas, when I got in there was food waiting, she had cooked me some spaghetti and spinach. I wolfed it down, I love just simple, simple food and flavours. This is the only thing I have been able to eat properly #progress! My grandma and I were sat together, she was watching something on her tablet and I was dribbling on myself half asleep, I decided to get ready for bed and head into the spare room, I love it here, its so dark and quiet, nothing like my house. I fall asleep as usual when I'm here, really easily.
21 July 2016
I. Can't. Sleep. I woke up at 2am, I woke up at 3am, I woke up at 5am, my alarm went off at 6:30am, how can a night start so peacefully and end up so chaotic? I spoke to Aaron, he wished me luck on going back to work and asked how I'm feeling... At this stage I dont know anymore, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I havent gone for a shit for 2 days, my skins bad, I'm grumpy. I want to be positive but I cannot muster the energy to do it. He offers me some reassuring words for the day and tells me to rest a bit more, I dont start until 12 I dont need to be up this early. I set an alarm for 8am so I can call the GP again, the time passes so quickly before the next alarm, I'm first in the queue to speak to the GP, they have appointments at 11:10, 11:20, 11:30, 11:40, 11:50, sods law, none of these work for me. I'll be on the train to work by then, I ask if they have anything tomorrow, she says no, I ask about Saturday, again no, I ask about Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, still nothing, I have to call at 8am or 3pm to get an emergency appointment. It's ridiculous, I feel for them but at the same time it's insane, this is a doctors surgery, not an exclusive restuarant with a 2 month waiting list, I need to see a doctor I am unwell. I give up on the appointment and ask how I can get a prescription for my pill without coming in, she tells me to make a request online and it should be ready by next week, I come off the phone and fill in the form online. I want to sleep more but I need to get myself alive, ready and awake for work.
I head upstairs to shower and get ready, once I'm dressed I set about forcing myself to have breakfast, surprise, surprise I opt for toast (a bigger bread obsession is forming) and a cup of jasmine green tea. Me and my grandma have a chat about work before I set off and I ask if I can stay again tonight, she is more than happy for me to do so, before I leave I have a small coffee then I run to the station because I left the house late! I make it to the station with 30 seconds to get to my platform, I accept defeat gracefully and decide to go a different route, I use my extra time to pick up my lunch. I pop to M&S, I'm treating myself so I get a small mexican style bean salad and some sweet potato crisps, cashews and carrot and orange juice. I hop on a train to Waterloo and start my journey to Greenwich. En route I call my recruitment company as I need to arrange some holiday pay to cover the time I've been ill as I wouldn't qualify for sick pay just yet, she manages to sort it out for me just before I get down to the tube station at Waterloo. While heading down the escalator I text Aaron to say I love him and I wish him a great day. The tube arrives in minutes and I begin my last leg of the journey to Greenwich. Upon arrival I remember I need to pick up some pads, ladies you know the drill towards the end of the time of the month. I go to the chemist to grab them, £2.69! It's outrageous, this isn't something my body does for fun you know... Anyway, I get into the office and am warmly greeted by my colleagues, I put my stuff in the locker, give J the pencil case I had promised her and head over to my desk and log in to the system, it's official, Liza is back in the building.
Today was a long day, absolutely exhausting to be honest with you. The majority of people I spoke to today were really aggressive, they must be pissed off that our 3 day summer is over, I try not to carry the stress home with me. I head to the station to get the train and call Aaron to let him know I'll be in Clapham tonight, he's going to be at his mum's so I tell him I'll pop round for a bit, but I wont stay too late. I try to call my mum but her phone is just ringing and ringing I try again, it's still just ringing and ringing, all of a sudden I hear "hello!", hello? I reply, I know that's not my mum's voice, maybe it's her friend, it's not. The woman on the phone explains my mum left her phone on the train and she didn't want to leave it with station staff because they seemed like they weren't going to help get the phone back, the woman explained she a has a 2 year old and my mum's wallpaper has a picture of baby, she said she wanted to make sure it got back to the right person, she gave me her number and told me to pass it on so they could arrange getting it back to my mum. I thanked her about 20 times before we hung up, what an absolute angel, it's not often things like this happen in London, now I need to locate my mum, I need to get cousin C's number even though I was sure I had it on my phone, I don't have it so I try and call uncle M, no answer, I try my grandma she doesn't have it, I try my uncle K, he answers AND he's got the number and texts it to me #livesaver. I call maybe 5-6 times, send 2 texts and call again, finally mum answers, she tells me she's called the woman and she knows who it was who picked up her phone, she said the lady was talking to her kid about chips and asking what he sauce he would have, he said ketchup, she added 'and mayonnaise, then you can mix them together and have a nice sauce', I know mum silently agreed with her in her mind, this woman knows the sauce laws. Anyway mum has to go so I tell her I love her and I'll speak to her soon.
I get to Aaron's mums, she asks me how to get to this event she is working on, I look it up and tell her the route, I also teach her how to use Google maps sp on the actual day she's not stuck. I head downstairs to the garden and embrace my Aaron, I miss him so much! I miss being back home with him, we talk about our days at work and some interesting things we've seen/read today, he tells me about a video on YouTube that seems to put forward a plausible argument about another planet coming really close to the planet Earth, supposedly in the next 3-10 years it will be so close, it will be disrupting the gravitational pull, sounds crazy, but it does actually make sense when it's explained. I explain how I read about Harry Potter books being sold for up to £400,000 and that we need to search the house when we get home because we need a break! I slump over and say I wish I could just work with you, just the two of us being able to have a business would be amazing. We talk about putting a plan in motion and decide this year onto next is the time to do it, we've held back for a while now. I tell Aaron I need to go back to my Grandmas, we share a cheeky blueberry muffin in the kitchen. I say bye to his mum and to him, he asks me to call when I get back so he knows I'm safe. I walk to the bus stop, there are no buses for 5 minutes, the walk is 15 so I put my headphones in, put my phone in my bag and just take in my surroundings for a bit. For once, I feel so free... Ideas start flowing and I need to note them down, I pull my phone out of my bag and capture as much of my thought process as possible (blog post is coming soon by the way) once everything is noted, I put my phone away again.
I get indoors and heat myself a plate of food, mash potatoes, greens and gravy, my comfort foods. I call Aaron to let him know I'm safe and wish him a peaceful nights sleep, he does the same and tells me he will call in the morning. I watch a bit of television with my grandma, do the dishes and head upstairs to do my night time routine, once that's done I come back down and head to bed, my grandma runs in with a shot of this medicine that's supposed to make me shit and forces me to have it to help me clear my system of this lingering nausea. I fall asleep soon after.
22nd July 2016
My alarm goes off at 6:30 and Aaron calls, he can hear I'm tired from the get go and tells me to go back to sleep, I'm on early shifts next week so I really need to get my shit together. I snooze until 8am, at 8 I log into my online banking and sort all that faff out, £200 on credit card, rent is already done, the rest stays in the account for bills etc. I pour myself a massive glass of water and set myself up at the laptop to do some blog admin, no Internet, I move to the kitchen as it's not working on my phone either, I use grandmas tablet and get to work, I set an alarm for an hour. The hour passes quickly and I realise I need to get ready for work, I wash my hands, finish my water, pour another big glass and make myself some toast and green tea. My grandma calls me upstairs, I asked to borrow some tracksuits from her because I don't have any clothes and today is a casual day at work she throws them down to me... They look enormous but hopefully they're okay. I make my way through my breakfast, take myself upstairs to shower and get ready and head back down to try and make an outfit out of nothing. Eventually I look presentable enough that I can leave the house, I walk down to the station and stop off at M&S again to grab some lunch, what I had yesterday was really filling even though it was really small, I might start buying these and just keeping them in the house in case I don't have time to cook.
I catch my train, I go via Waterloo again #expensive but the overground is too infrequent from this station and the times it comes dont work for anyone! I contemplate buying more food at Waterloo, my appetite is coming back, thank God! I was starting to feel unlike myself, we all know I love my food. Despite that, I decide against buying anything, I've got food in my bag already, I smell Mc Donald's in the air and walk down to the tube smiling #mcdonaldsnostalgia. The tube was packed, now that I think about it, so was the train. I wonder if there is an event going on? That thought quickly disappears and I start thinking about going back to ballet classes, I'm losing all my tone on my body and I miss the discipline, I decide I'll look into it on the weekend. I finally reach Greenwich, I jump off the tube and run to work because I am cutting it WAYY too close to being late and since I've already been ill this week I don't want to take the piss.
Work is quiet-ish today, my hunger pangs were calmed by my friend J who happened to buy Krispy Kreme for the team, I'm not on the team anymore but in my heart I am, they're my babies! He offered me a doughnut, usually I say no because I dont like to have too much sugar, but today I go for the most exciting one I can see, its chocolatey, it tastes like it has oreos on it, its beautiful! Whats even more beautiful is I am really starting to feel better, bar my backside, it still feels like it may explode at any point, all very volatile. I need to get someone to get me some baccy I have no ID and the person at this shop always asks me for it, I'm sure I can locate somone to help a sister out. I roll the last rollie from my pouch and chuck the packet away, I count the seconds until my break and head down to smoke. I was a social smoker until I started working here, but I've cut down A LOT in the last few months because I didnt like the direction I was heading at all. I have one in my morning break, one at lunch and one in my afternoon break, if it's a bad day I might have one on my way in to work and one on the way home and of course if I go for a drink, unfortunately like many others I smoke like a chimney. I know 5 a day isn't as good as 0 a day, but its much better than what I was doing before.
I cannot wait to get home tonight, I cannot wait to see Aaron, in our own home, sleeping in our own bed, waking up in our own surroundings! I've loved this little break away but I am homesick and mansick, I miss my BABEHH! When we spoke yesterday we decided tonight we are ordering take out to welcome ourselves home, I feel like pizza, I bet you've guessed what my favourite food is, but I think we should get chinese, I feel like some black sesame ice cream., yes, I would order a whole meal just for dessert. On the topic of desserts, I dont think the doughnut was the best idea... I've got a heartburn feeling in my tummy, indigestion, is that you? I've only had half so I'm gonna wrap it up and see how I go and if I can finish it later.
This day is seriously dragging it is only 6:30pm and I feel like I've been in the office for 2 entire weeks. Everyone calling is seriously aggressive, I am not feeling being spoken to like a piece of shit for no reason, I get it, London is back to being shitty and like London again but come on man, I just work in customer service. I really cannot wait to get home and away from this place for a couple of days, anyone would think I hadn't had three days away already. I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow at the time my body wants to wake up, have a coffee, do some blogging and prep for my bigger plan (it's a secret for now), sort out my house, get some food in and do some cooking. Just a day to do what I want with no limitations because of poorlyness. I also reaaaaaaaally need to get my eyebrows done, but I am growing them out and they're filling in quite nicely, I might just pluck them for another week and see about getting them done next week. At this rate I might pick up shopping on my way in so I dont need to leave the house at all tomorrow #hermitforreal.
I finally escape work, I run for the train so I can get back as soon as possible. On my way in I pick up some food shopping in Lidl, I definitely do not want to leave the house tomorrow. Why does it always feel so light in the basket and so heavy in bags?! Don't answer, I know. After a walk home that feels like forever, where I have to stop every 3 minutes because I overestimated how much I could carry and dropped my cardigan twice and had to turn back and walk back each time to get it, I burst in through the front door like the incredible hulk, dripping with sweat. I run straight to the table because I can see my parcels have finally arrived! Oh and another 2 sorry I missed you cards, I HAVE A CONCIERGE, it's really annoying, Royal Mail are the only company that refuse to bring parcels to my door or leave them with a neighbour or the concierge. Anyway, I have 2 parcel's that have been delivered by delivery companies that understand the fundamental element of running a delivery service, which is actually delivering the parcels (that's for you Royal Mail). I go to collect my parcels, from Selfridges I have a normal sized parcel, from Zara, the parcel is about half the size of my bed, wtf, I only ordered 7 things!
I leave the boxes alone, I want open them tomorrow, Aaron and I have oven pizza and fruit for dinner (still not got the adulting down yet), by this point in the evening I'm exhausted, I change into some pjs (tshirt) brush my teeth and get into bed. Then all of a sudden and out of nowhere, Justin Bieber, oh Jesus, my worst nightmare a shitty houseparty. I cant close my windows in case Aaron and I overheat and die in our sleep, our house is the equivalent of a hot car when the sun comes out, so this how my day ends, too hot, forced to listen to Justin Bieber and extremely exhausted but not having an easy time getting to sleep.
PS: I didnt finish the doughnut.
23rd July 2016
Finally, I am free, I can do what I want. I wake up really early still because Aaron has work today, but I do drift back off, I wake up properly around 8-9am but I don't get up until about 10. When I do eventually rise I head over to the bathroom to go for a wee (as you do), as I go to wipe, I see something move in my bathroom. I wipe quickly and pull my pants up to protect myself (you know the drill, cant be fighting with no pants), I back away and see its a cockroach, a fucking cockroach! I'm fuming and the reason is not only because there is a cockroach in my fucking house! I'm fuming because this is a building problem cased by the next corridor down because they always leave rubbish and bags of food outside their houses, which looks and smells disgusting and causes heaps of problems. I'm fuming because I have taken upmost precaution at preventing this shit from invading my space. I try to catch this thing but it runs behind the cover of the bath, I am not about to move that shit in case there's more than one, I swear they can fly, I'm not about that bug life. I decide to try and bait it out, I close the door and turn out the lights, I leave a draft excluder under the door too, just to block it from climbing through any gaps. I email my landlord and ask what I should do. In the meantime I decide to do some life admin, I call royal mail to arrange redilevry of my items, for the 4th time in a row. I call British Heart Foundation to arrange a clothes collection from my house, I'm desperate to do a clearout! I clean the house, even under the bed and behind furniture, you need to do this at the very least every 6 months #cleanfreak. I go through all my stuff and move the suitcases under my bed to the foot so they aren't making my back crooked at night. I'm so itchy, my skin is crawling, its horrible knowing there is something lingering in your home, plus I'm scared to go in the bathroom!
I spend the rest of the day dancing and singing along to my favourite music, this is my favourite type of day, I didn't look at the TV once. I order a fan using argos same day delivery because it is absolutely baking and I'm too lazy to walk to Argos and carry it back. I take pictures of my parcels and contents, for some reason my phone wont save these pictures at all even though the pictures are being taken. I cannot be bothered at this moment in time to figure out what the problem is so I decide to make some food instead, a nice cous cous salad. I eat this and then wait (im)patiently for the fan to arrive.
I hear a ring on the buzzer, its the delivery guy, he explains he knocked but no one answered so he left the fan outside my front door, I open the door and sure enough, there it is. I'm opening the box while walking to the front room, I work up a sweat while building the fan, I'm rushing because it's is so sweltering in our flat. It. Is. Done, and it is beautiful, the air rushes around me, this is the first breeze I have felt all day, I get ready for bed and dive straight in, it is much more comfortable now I have moved the suitcases and the breeze reminds me of being on holiday. I drift off to sleep peacefully, not a single thought passes of the lurking cockroach.
24th July
I wake up and look towards the end of my bed, there it is, the fan, the best thing I own, I'm feeling to buy 100 and throw away ALL of my furniture. All I can think is how did I survive for so long without this, our house is hot like hell, if you think I'm joking, ask anyone, ever who has been here, the windows have to be open 24/7 even in the winter! I get myself up and out of bed at about 10-11am after watching some YouTube, I relocate to the couch to watch more YouTube. I decide to live on my own time today, I make my bed, put the laudry aaway, do a new wash and prepare breakfast, boiled eggs and soldiers, the king of sunday breakfasts, I make myself a coffee and plonk myself in front of KUWTK. I chill here for a few hours, subconsciously worrying and constantly checking for that cockroach. I hang the laudry out and then get myself washed, dressed and blowdry my hair. I go down to Tesco and grab a few bits I missed at Lidl the other day. I head back upstairs, watch Ali Wong on Netflix and prep my dinner, today I'm having something very simple and summery, Aarons tomato, onion and olive pasta, urgh, its my favourite thing, but I'm scared I wont do it justice, it's too simple so its really obvious if you get it wrong.
I don't do it justice obviously, BUT, its still very nice in its own way. I eat then decide its time to sort my eyebrwos out, I sit down and even them out while tidying them up, my eyebrows are very very important to me and they absolutely always have been. Everyone else has only been passionate about brows for the last few years, my brows have been my life from the end of primary school bishes. I'm trying to grow them more as they are sparse in some areas, which means I look not like myself at the moment, but I mange to get myself looking semi decent again. I file down my nails and decide I will paint them when I get in from work tomorrow. I spend time preparing everything for work so I can get out of the door seamlessly tomorrow, (yes, this is the key to life, get organized), I get my bag ready, my lunch packed in the fridge, my clothes ready and think how I would like my hair and make up tomorrow to look, who am I kidding, I'm gonna be too tired for that shit when tomorrow rolls around.
I come and work on my blog for an hour or so then Aaron runs through the house screaming, he caught the cockroach in some boxers (I left a glass in the bathroom for this exact moment by the way), I tell him not to squish it and instead to chuck it out the window and close all the windows so it cant get back in. The boxers go straight in a double bagged bin and immediately downstairs to the bin cupboard, hopefully that will be the end of that but only time will tell. I start straightening up the house for tomorrow, then I do a nightime facial, brush my teeth and head to bed.
I had such an uncomfortable nights sleep yesterday, my tummy is just giving me so much grief. I feel anxious as well because I know I need today off but I also have my training and I don't want to miss out. I spend much of my early morning panicking, I start feeling sick and try to relax then start panicking again. I try to get ready, iron my clothes, shower. In the shower I almost collapse from exhaustion, I haven't eaten properly for 2 days now. Just bland foods to stop myself getting any worse, it's hot as hell outside and I'm so dehydrated. I rinse off and wrap myself in a towel. I brush my teeth, moisturise and slump on the bed. My head is spinning and my feet are dead. I can't force myself to go in. I do not feel good at all. But my training, my training, I call in and ask to speak to a manager, I explain the situation and try and figure out a resolution, the manager tells me to take the day off and not to stress myself out about my training, we should be able to do it another time. I follow her advice. I get changed back into comfortable clothes and try to sleep more. I try and try but to no avail, my body is starving, I pull a dress on and take a slow walk to the supermarket. I grab some Turkish bread it's the only thing I can look at that doesn't make me feel like I'm going to hurl, walking back down to the house past all the butchers makes my body convulse, it's almost enough to put me off meat for life. Not much else happened today, I headed to Clapham to go to the doctors but there were no appointments, I was too tired to head home so I went to Aaron's mums house. I sit outside for an hour or so, the weather is stunning, it is so nice to see a bit of sun grace the UK with its presence and having its glory shine upon me makes me feel so elated, but the heat, it makes me feel so much worse, so bad I have to go indoors and rest in the house, the twisting corridor lets a wonderful breeze wind its way through the house, it is like a cool summer night inside. Eventually I pick myself up, pack my things and Aaron and I get a cab back home, when we get in we get ready for bed. As usual I straighten up the house a little bit and fall asleep shortly afterwards, I cannot sleep in a messy space.
19th July 2016
My body feels so rested. I sleep in today and everytime I wake up my body finally allows me to fall back into slumber. Thank goodness, this is all I've needed this whole time, I need to make an effort to eat well today and drink plenty of water. I call in to work today and advise I won't make it in, my tummy is still angry with me and I still don't know why. I've cancelled my plans for Portsmouth, I don't feel well enough to go and I need to go back to work asap I cannot afford to be sick at the moment, imagine this is our life, this is what we work hard for, to get ill from overworking ourselves, but never being able to fully recover because we have to go back to work before we are ready to ensure we don't lose our stability. I am passionate about writing I want to make a career in writing, yet the only time I have spare to invest is late hours in the evening and early hours in the morning, the curse of creativity... "Freedom". Back to Portsmouth, I will make it up to K, she's such a good friend I'm very worried about disappointing her and all I want right now is to have some time with her. To be honest, I'm really annoyed I can't go, I'm annoyed with myself, but I don't feel good and I almost always feel guilty taking time off when I'm sick, I know I'm anxious, I know I will be stressing constantly if I am there. I prop myself up with my laptop and a light breakfast and start working on my blog, I have some more different stuff coming up. I head back down to Clapham to try and see if my GP can get me in today, still no appointments, it's really getting on my nerves now because I need to get my pill as well, I thought if I went down there I could at least sort that out. They have nothing tomorrow as well but advise I can call at 8am and 3pm to see if I can get an emergency appointment, but everyone calls at 8 & 3 so I never get through. I head over to Aaron's mums again, the house is quiet and cool, it's so exhausting getting back home and I can't really afford a cab today especially knowing this is the second day I have had to take off of work. I manage to eat some flatbread and a little bit of lamb before heading downstairs for a nap, rather than waking me up Aaron curls up next to me a couple of hours later and we spend the night there.
20th July 2016
I wake up to the light being flicked on, Aaron is getting ready for work, I completely forgot I was here. He asks how I am, I murmer, the same just less nausea. I pass out for another hour or so before I get a call, he always calls when he reaches work while he's walking in. I do not have the energy to speak, he tells me I need to rest and he will speak with me later. I text my colleague and try the GP again- still no appointments, I fall asleep for a few more hours. Eventually I reluctantly drag myself from bed 11:30am (unusual, I must be tired), I brush my teeth, wash myself and get dressed, I call my grandma and ask if I can stay with her as I want to keep trying to get an appointment, she tells me to come over when I'm ready. I call work to tell them to cancel the leave booked for Portsmouth as I'll be back in tomorrow, I cannot take anymore time as much as I need to. I chat with Aarons mum in the morning for a couple of hours and get the bus to my grandmas, the thought of walking in this heat makes me feel even worse than I already do.
When I arrive at my grandmas, she prepares me soup, she knows I havent been able to eat properly for the last few days, I get about halfway through the bowl before I admit defeat. I just cant do it, the combination of weather and nausea is making it very difficult for me to eat anything, this is strange for me, I always find space for food. My grandma drives me to my house to pick up some fresh clothes and on the way back we stop off at a corner shop in Norbury to pick up some Lays crisps, we all know they're the best. I speak with my mum who is currently interning with a family member, she's a bit flustered so we agree to catch up another time. Me and my grandma continue our drive back to Clapham, I can finally enjoy the weather without the heat, the joys of aircon! When we arrive back I make myself a Lays crisp sandwich, basically at the moment I am surviving off of bread, I can't eat anything else. Later in the evening I walk down to Aaron's mums, I promised I would grab her some loo roll earlier, I brought a few rolls from my house, we have loads. I sit with Aaron for a couple of hours and we chat about our future, kids and all of that, it's weird not going home together or seeing eachother at home after work, but I like it, it reminds me of when we first started going out. We had some food, I ate, you guessed, more bread! I walked in my flip flips down there all my other shoes are too hot, this will never happen again I hate feet. plus I scraped my foot bad, and got a blister on the inside of my toe, so not ideal. I actually comtemplated taking an Uber up the road for a good 20 minutes, pure pain or pure laziness? I didnt sucumb to temptation, I got the bus back to my grandmas, when I got in there was food waiting, she had cooked me some spaghetti and spinach. I wolfed it down, I love just simple, simple food and flavours. This is the only thing I have been able to eat properly #progress! My grandma and I were sat together, she was watching something on her tablet and I was dribbling on myself half asleep, I decided to get ready for bed and head into the spare room, I love it here, its so dark and quiet, nothing like my house. I fall asleep as usual when I'm here, really easily.
21 July 2016
I. Can't. Sleep. I woke up at 2am, I woke up at 3am, I woke up at 5am, my alarm went off at 6:30am, how can a night start so peacefully and end up so chaotic? I spoke to Aaron, he wished me luck on going back to work and asked how I'm feeling... At this stage I dont know anymore, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I havent gone for a shit for 2 days, my skins bad, I'm grumpy. I want to be positive but I cannot muster the energy to do it. He offers me some reassuring words for the day and tells me to rest a bit more, I dont start until 12 I dont need to be up this early. I set an alarm for 8am so I can call the GP again, the time passes so quickly before the next alarm, I'm first in the queue to speak to the GP, they have appointments at 11:10, 11:20, 11:30, 11:40, 11:50, sods law, none of these work for me. I'll be on the train to work by then, I ask if they have anything tomorrow, she says no, I ask about Saturday, again no, I ask about Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, still nothing, I have to call at 8am or 3pm to get an emergency appointment. It's ridiculous, I feel for them but at the same time it's insane, this is a doctors surgery, not an exclusive restuarant with a 2 month waiting list, I need to see a doctor I am unwell. I give up on the appointment and ask how I can get a prescription for my pill without coming in, she tells me to make a request online and it should be ready by next week, I come off the phone and fill in the form online. I want to sleep more but I need to get myself alive, ready and awake for work.
I head upstairs to shower and get ready, once I'm dressed I set about forcing myself to have breakfast, surprise, surprise I opt for toast (a bigger bread obsession is forming) and a cup of jasmine green tea. Me and my grandma have a chat about work before I set off and I ask if I can stay again tonight, she is more than happy for me to do so, before I leave I have a small coffee then I run to the station because I left the house late! I make it to the station with 30 seconds to get to my platform, I accept defeat gracefully and decide to go a different route, I use my extra time to pick up my lunch. I pop to M&S, I'm treating myself so I get a small mexican style bean salad and some sweet potato crisps, cashews and carrot and orange juice. I hop on a train to Waterloo and start my journey to Greenwich. En route I call my recruitment company as I need to arrange some holiday pay to cover the time I've been ill as I wouldn't qualify for sick pay just yet, she manages to sort it out for me just before I get down to the tube station at Waterloo. While heading down the escalator I text Aaron to say I love him and I wish him a great day. The tube arrives in minutes and I begin my last leg of the journey to Greenwich. Upon arrival I remember I need to pick up some pads, ladies you know the drill towards the end of the time of the month. I go to the chemist to grab them, £2.69! It's outrageous, this isn't something my body does for fun you know... Anyway, I get into the office and am warmly greeted by my colleagues, I put my stuff in the locker, give J the pencil case I had promised her and head over to my desk and log in to the system, it's official, Liza is back in the building.
Today was a long day, absolutely exhausting to be honest with you. The majority of people I spoke to today were really aggressive, they must be pissed off that our 3 day summer is over, I try not to carry the stress home with me. I head to the station to get the train and call Aaron to let him know I'll be in Clapham tonight, he's going to be at his mum's so I tell him I'll pop round for a bit, but I wont stay too late. I try to call my mum but her phone is just ringing and ringing I try again, it's still just ringing and ringing, all of a sudden I hear "hello!", hello? I reply, I know that's not my mum's voice, maybe it's her friend, it's not. The woman on the phone explains my mum left her phone on the train and she didn't want to leave it with station staff because they seemed like they weren't going to help get the phone back, the woman explained she a has a 2 year old and my mum's wallpaper has a picture of baby, she said she wanted to make sure it got back to the right person, she gave me her number and told me to pass it on so they could arrange getting it back to my mum. I thanked her about 20 times before we hung up, what an absolute angel, it's not often things like this happen in London, now I need to locate my mum, I need to get cousin C's number even though I was sure I had it on my phone, I don't have it so I try and call uncle M, no answer, I try my grandma she doesn't have it, I try my uncle K, he answers AND he's got the number and texts it to me #livesaver. I call maybe 5-6 times, send 2 texts and call again, finally mum answers, she tells me she's called the woman and she knows who it was who picked up her phone, she said the lady was talking to her kid about chips and asking what he sauce he would have, he said ketchup, she added 'and mayonnaise, then you can mix them together and have a nice sauce', I know mum silently agreed with her in her mind, this woman knows the sauce laws. Anyway mum has to go so I tell her I love her and I'll speak to her soon.
I get to Aaron's mums, she asks me how to get to this event she is working on, I look it up and tell her the route, I also teach her how to use Google maps sp on the actual day she's not stuck. I head downstairs to the garden and embrace my Aaron, I miss him so much! I miss being back home with him, we talk about our days at work and some interesting things we've seen/read today, he tells me about a video on YouTube that seems to put forward a plausible argument about another planet coming really close to the planet Earth, supposedly in the next 3-10 years it will be so close, it will be disrupting the gravitational pull, sounds crazy, but it does actually make sense when it's explained. I explain how I read about Harry Potter books being sold for up to £400,000 and that we need to search the house when we get home because we need a break! I slump over and say I wish I could just work with you, just the two of us being able to have a business would be amazing. We talk about putting a plan in motion and decide this year onto next is the time to do it, we've held back for a while now. I tell Aaron I need to go back to my Grandmas, we share a cheeky blueberry muffin in the kitchen. I say bye to his mum and to him, he asks me to call when I get back so he knows I'm safe. I walk to the bus stop, there are no buses for 5 minutes, the walk is 15 so I put my headphones in, put my phone in my bag and just take in my surroundings for a bit. For once, I feel so free... Ideas start flowing and I need to note them down, I pull my phone out of my bag and capture as much of my thought process as possible (blog post is coming soon by the way) once everything is noted, I put my phone away again.
I get indoors and heat myself a plate of food, mash potatoes, greens and gravy, my comfort foods. I call Aaron to let him know I'm safe and wish him a peaceful nights sleep, he does the same and tells me he will call in the morning. I watch a bit of television with my grandma, do the dishes and head upstairs to do my night time routine, once that's done I come back down and head to bed, my grandma runs in with a shot of this medicine that's supposed to make me shit and forces me to have it to help me clear my system of this lingering nausea. I fall asleep soon after.
22nd July 2016
My alarm goes off at 6:30 and Aaron calls, he can hear I'm tired from the get go and tells me to go back to sleep, I'm on early shifts next week so I really need to get my shit together. I snooze until 8am, at 8 I log into my online banking and sort all that faff out, £200 on credit card, rent is already done, the rest stays in the account for bills etc. I pour myself a massive glass of water and set myself up at the laptop to do some blog admin, no Internet, I move to the kitchen as it's not working on my phone either, I use grandmas tablet and get to work, I set an alarm for an hour. The hour passes quickly and I realise I need to get ready for work, I wash my hands, finish my water, pour another big glass and make myself some toast and green tea. My grandma calls me upstairs, I asked to borrow some tracksuits from her because I don't have any clothes and today is a casual day at work she throws them down to me... They look enormous but hopefully they're okay. I make my way through my breakfast, take myself upstairs to shower and get ready and head back down to try and make an outfit out of nothing. Eventually I look presentable enough that I can leave the house, I walk down to the station and stop off at M&S again to grab some lunch, what I had yesterday was really filling even though it was really small, I might start buying these and just keeping them in the house in case I don't have time to cook.
I catch my train, I go via Waterloo again #expensive but the overground is too infrequent from this station and the times it comes dont work for anyone! I contemplate buying more food at Waterloo, my appetite is coming back, thank God! I was starting to feel unlike myself, we all know I love my food. Despite that, I decide against buying anything, I've got food in my bag already, I smell Mc Donald's in the air and walk down to the tube smiling #mcdonaldsnostalgia. The tube was packed, now that I think about it, so was the train. I wonder if there is an event going on? That thought quickly disappears and I start thinking about going back to ballet classes, I'm losing all my tone on my body and I miss the discipline, I decide I'll look into it on the weekend. I finally reach Greenwich, I jump off the tube and run to work because I am cutting it WAYY too close to being late and since I've already been ill this week I don't want to take the piss.
Work is quiet-ish today, my hunger pangs were calmed by my friend J who happened to buy Krispy Kreme for the team, I'm not on the team anymore but in my heart I am, they're my babies! He offered me a doughnut, usually I say no because I dont like to have too much sugar, but today I go for the most exciting one I can see, its chocolatey, it tastes like it has oreos on it, its beautiful! Whats even more beautiful is I am really starting to feel better, bar my backside, it still feels like it may explode at any point, all very volatile. I need to get someone to get me some baccy I have no ID and the person at this shop always asks me for it, I'm sure I can locate somone to help a sister out. I roll the last rollie from my pouch and chuck the packet away, I count the seconds until my break and head down to smoke. I was a social smoker until I started working here, but I've cut down A LOT in the last few months because I didnt like the direction I was heading at all. I have one in my morning break, one at lunch and one in my afternoon break, if it's a bad day I might have one on my way in to work and one on the way home and of course if I go for a drink, unfortunately like many others I smoke like a chimney. I know 5 a day isn't as good as 0 a day, but its much better than what I was doing before.
I cannot wait to get home tonight, I cannot wait to see Aaron, in our own home, sleeping in our own bed, waking up in our own surroundings! I've loved this little break away but I am homesick and mansick, I miss my BABEHH! When we spoke yesterday we decided tonight we are ordering take out to welcome ourselves home, I feel like pizza, I bet you've guessed what my favourite food is, but I think we should get chinese, I feel like some black sesame ice cream., yes, I would order a whole meal just for dessert. On the topic of desserts, I dont think the doughnut was the best idea... I've got a heartburn feeling in my tummy, indigestion, is that you? I've only had half so I'm gonna wrap it up and see how I go and if I can finish it later.
This day is seriously dragging it is only 6:30pm and I feel like I've been in the office for 2 entire weeks. Everyone calling is seriously aggressive, I am not feeling being spoken to like a piece of shit for no reason, I get it, London is back to being shitty and like London again but come on man, I just work in customer service. I really cannot wait to get home and away from this place for a couple of days, anyone would think I hadn't had three days away already. I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow at the time my body wants to wake up, have a coffee, do some blogging and prep for my bigger plan (it's a secret for now), sort out my house, get some food in and do some cooking. Just a day to do what I want with no limitations because of poorlyness. I also reaaaaaaaally need to get my eyebrows done, but I am growing them out and they're filling in quite nicely, I might just pluck them for another week and see about getting them done next week. At this rate I might pick up shopping on my way in so I dont need to leave the house at all tomorrow #hermitforreal.
I finally escape work, I run for the train so I can get back as soon as possible. On my way in I pick up some food shopping in Lidl, I definitely do not want to leave the house tomorrow. Why does it always feel so light in the basket and so heavy in bags?! Don't answer, I know. After a walk home that feels like forever, where I have to stop every 3 minutes because I overestimated how much I could carry and dropped my cardigan twice and had to turn back and walk back each time to get it, I burst in through the front door like the incredible hulk, dripping with sweat. I run straight to the table because I can see my parcels have finally arrived! Oh and another 2 sorry I missed you cards, I HAVE A CONCIERGE, it's really annoying, Royal Mail are the only company that refuse to bring parcels to my door or leave them with a neighbour or the concierge. Anyway, I have 2 parcel's that have been delivered by delivery companies that understand the fundamental element of running a delivery service, which is actually delivering the parcels (that's for you Royal Mail). I go to collect my parcels, from Selfridges I have a normal sized parcel, from Zara, the parcel is about half the size of my bed, wtf, I only ordered 7 things!
I leave the boxes alone, I want open them tomorrow, Aaron and I have oven pizza and fruit for dinner (still not got the adulting down yet), by this point in the evening I'm exhausted, I change into some pjs (tshirt) brush my teeth and get into bed. Then all of a sudden and out of nowhere, Justin Bieber, oh Jesus, my worst nightmare a shitty houseparty. I cant close my windows in case Aaron and I overheat and die in our sleep, our house is the equivalent of a hot car when the sun comes out, so this how my day ends, too hot, forced to listen to Justin Bieber and extremely exhausted but not having an easy time getting to sleep.
PS: I didnt finish the doughnut.
23rd July 2016
Finally, I am free, I can do what I want. I wake up really early still because Aaron has work today, but I do drift back off, I wake up properly around 8-9am but I don't get up until about 10. When I do eventually rise I head over to the bathroom to go for a wee (as you do), as I go to wipe, I see something move in my bathroom. I wipe quickly and pull my pants up to protect myself (you know the drill, cant be fighting with no pants), I back away and see its a cockroach, a fucking cockroach! I'm fuming and the reason is not only because there is a cockroach in my fucking house! I'm fuming because this is a building problem cased by the next corridor down because they always leave rubbish and bags of food outside their houses, which looks and smells disgusting and causes heaps of problems. I'm fuming because I have taken upmost precaution at preventing this shit from invading my space. I try to catch this thing but it runs behind the cover of the bath, I am not about to move that shit in case there's more than one, I swear they can fly, I'm not about that bug life. I decide to try and bait it out, I close the door and turn out the lights, I leave a draft excluder under the door too, just to block it from climbing through any gaps. I email my landlord and ask what I should do. In the meantime I decide to do some life admin, I call royal mail to arrange redilevry of my items, for the 4th time in a row. I call British Heart Foundation to arrange a clothes collection from my house, I'm desperate to do a clearout! I clean the house, even under the bed and behind furniture, you need to do this at the very least every 6 months #cleanfreak. I go through all my stuff and move the suitcases under my bed to the foot so they aren't making my back crooked at night. I'm so itchy, my skin is crawling, its horrible knowing there is something lingering in your home, plus I'm scared to go in the bathroom!
I spend the rest of the day dancing and singing along to my favourite music, this is my favourite type of day, I didn't look at the TV once. I order a fan using argos same day delivery because it is absolutely baking and I'm too lazy to walk to Argos and carry it back. I take pictures of my parcels and contents, for some reason my phone wont save these pictures at all even though the pictures are being taken. I cannot be bothered at this moment in time to figure out what the problem is so I decide to make some food instead, a nice cous cous salad. I eat this and then wait (im)patiently for the fan to arrive.
I hear a ring on the buzzer, its the delivery guy, he explains he knocked but no one answered so he left the fan outside my front door, I open the door and sure enough, there it is. I'm opening the box while walking to the front room, I work up a sweat while building the fan, I'm rushing because it's is so sweltering in our flat. It. Is. Done, and it is beautiful, the air rushes around me, this is the first breeze I have felt all day, I get ready for bed and dive straight in, it is much more comfortable now I have moved the suitcases and the breeze reminds me of being on holiday. I drift off to sleep peacefully, not a single thought passes of the lurking cockroach.
24th July
I wake up and look towards the end of my bed, there it is, the fan, the best thing I own, I'm feeling to buy 100 and throw away ALL of my furniture. All I can think is how did I survive for so long without this, our house is hot like hell, if you think I'm joking, ask anyone, ever who has been here, the windows have to be open 24/7 even in the winter! I get myself up and out of bed at about 10-11am after watching some YouTube, I relocate to the couch to watch more YouTube. I decide to live on my own time today, I make my bed, put the laudry aaway, do a new wash and prepare breakfast, boiled eggs and soldiers, the king of sunday breakfasts, I make myself a coffee and plonk myself in front of KUWTK. I chill here for a few hours, subconsciously worrying and constantly checking for that cockroach. I hang the laudry out and then get myself washed, dressed and blowdry my hair. I go down to Tesco and grab a few bits I missed at Lidl the other day. I head back upstairs, watch Ali Wong on Netflix and prep my dinner, today I'm having something very simple and summery, Aarons tomato, onion and olive pasta, urgh, its my favourite thing, but I'm scared I wont do it justice, it's too simple so its really obvious if you get it wrong.
I don't do it justice obviously, BUT, its still very nice in its own way. I eat then decide its time to sort my eyebrwos out, I sit down and even them out while tidying them up, my eyebrows are very very important to me and they absolutely always have been. Everyone else has only been passionate about brows for the last few years, my brows have been my life from the end of primary school bishes. I'm trying to grow them more as they are sparse in some areas, which means I look not like myself at the moment, but I mange to get myself looking semi decent again. I file down my nails and decide I will paint them when I get in from work tomorrow. I spend time preparing everything for work so I can get out of the door seamlessly tomorrow, (yes, this is the key to life, get organized), I get my bag ready, my lunch packed in the fridge, my clothes ready and think how I would like my hair and make up tomorrow to look, who am I kidding, I'm gonna be too tired for that shit when tomorrow rolls around.
I come and work on my blog for an hour or so then Aaron runs through the house screaming, he caught the cockroach in some boxers (I left a glass in the bathroom for this exact moment by the way), I tell him not to squish it and instead to chuck it out the window and close all the windows so it cant get back in. The boxers go straight in a double bagged bin and immediately downstairs to the bin cupboard, hopefully that will be the end of that but only time will tell. I start straightening up the house for tomorrow, then I do a nightime facial, brush my teeth and head to bed.
Friday, 22 July 2016
All up in my feelings: Stubborn
It's a sad day when you can no longer defend the actions of someone you know.
I may not have known you long, but I thought we were tight, I have taken some of your published words recently as spite.
It's difficult not to, I mean, you've been throwing indirects all over the place and it's hard to defend my stance and my offence because if I was you my sentiment would be, well, if the shoe fits.
Except the shoe doesn't fit, and it doesn't fit for all the people who built you up and supported you from the get go, suddenly we're the villians trying to get a come up, I think you're parro.
You left us, it was not the other way around, I have tried on countless occassions to hit you up but I don't want you to think that I'm part of that imaginary crowd you've come up with in your head, where the idea of my company fills you with dread.
I'm annoyed with you for the level of disrespect you have shown towards someone who has been there from day dot, this person was a ride or die for you, is this something you forgot?
You dont practice what you preach about a world filled with peace, when you fall out with people over something as petty as your pride, you're stubborn.
If I were you I wouldn't carry such pride, not in terms of achievements, you've done very well for yourself, but success doesnt feel quite the same without all your main ones at the top.
I don't want to be petty, but I hope this will open your eyes to how you've changed, I'm sure you can see it yourself, you're very self aware.
You deserve better than to lose yourself because certain people are filling your head with hot air.
Ps: In case you haven't worked it out, those are the ones looking for a come up.
I may not have known you long, but I thought we were tight, I have taken some of your published words recently as spite.
It's difficult not to, I mean, you've been throwing indirects all over the place and it's hard to defend my stance and my offence because if I was you my sentiment would be, well, if the shoe fits.
Except the shoe doesn't fit, and it doesn't fit for all the people who built you up and supported you from the get go, suddenly we're the villians trying to get a come up, I think you're parro.
You left us, it was not the other way around, I have tried on countless occassions to hit you up but I don't want you to think that I'm part of that imaginary crowd you've come up with in your head, where the idea of my company fills you with dread.
I'm annoyed with you for the level of disrespect you have shown towards someone who has been there from day dot, this person was a ride or die for you, is this something you forgot?
You dont practice what you preach about a world filled with peace, when you fall out with people over something as petty as your pride, you're stubborn.
If I were you I wouldn't carry such pride, not in terms of achievements, you've done very well for yourself, but success doesnt feel quite the same without all your main ones at the top.
I don't want to be petty, but I hope this will open your eyes to how you've changed, I'm sure you can see it yourself, you're very self aware.
You deserve better than to lose yourself because certain people are filling your head with hot air.
Ps: In case you haven't worked it out, those are the ones looking for a come up.
Thursday, 21 July 2016
Diary of a 23 year old nobody: 11/07-17/07
11th July 2016
Today I turned 23.
I have finally made it to my birthday and I'm finally excited, the past
three days have been gruelling. I'm usually so excited for my birthday and
start celebrating from the moment we touch down in July and don't stop until we
touch down in August, but this year, well, it's been different. I almost feel
like I jinxed myself, I really wanted to celebrate as usual but the vibe just
wasn't there and instead of just overriding that feeling I let it get in my
head. This year I wanted to see everyone I love and care about, I also wanted
to do something out of the ordinary for me, unfortunately I didn't think at any
point if you're doing out of the ordinary you need to invest a lot more time to
make it work, because I was stuck in this emotional rut I put the time in but
not the effort to make it a success. I'm not a big party animal but, because I
had the Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off I wanted to do something big
that I probably wouldn't remember, I never do stuff like that and I think it
would be good for me to experience that at least once to help me grow as a
person by experiencing as much as I can at this point in my life.
Anyway, on Friday's "party" 1 friend showed up, brandy in one
hand, pizza in the other as a good friend should, this person wasn't going to
be able to see me on the Saturday but made an effort to come round when he
could which I appreciated. I was super tired mind so I wasn't majorly bothered
that only one person showed up, we had a nice chilled evening, not what I was
going for, but I really enjoyed myself and it was good to catch up.
On Saturday, I didn't end up having my party at all, maybe around 3 quarters
of people didn't RSVP so it was really difficult for me to book something really
fun because I didn't have numbers, I mean thank God I didn't spend
anything booking it because bar two people everyone who did RSVP cancelled
anyway, at that stage I thought it best for me not to waste anyone's time as
the party location had moved to my house because of the football and tennis
being on. I cried that evening though, I cried for a long, long time, I mean I
know it's silly but it's not how anyone wants to see in their birthday, it's
also the first time I have ever had a horrible birthday so I was feeling a
little hurt and a bit sorry for myself. Aaron, my better half (for those who
don't know) held me tight and stroked my hair and did all he could to try and
lift my mood, it was hard work and it took a lot of time but eventually the
tears stopped and we made the best of the evening we would have together
instead, we ate lots of nachos (top tip: cheese always improves my mood) had a
couple of drinks and fell asleep while watching a film. Oh and I paid my
electricity bill (exciting times) really doing a bad job of escaping my
responsible side.
Sunday was a dull day to say the least, my God I was bored out of my mind, I
had no money because all my bills had just come out and at this point and I was so
over the whole birthday thing, I didn't want it to get any worse so I just wanted to nip
it in the bud and not celebrate at all, just pretend I didn't have a birthday
this year, you know? I did want to see my family though, I had asked everybody
to keep my actual birthday free for dinner way in advance of this nightmare
weekend and I had to stick to my guns and try and make the most of it. I
messaged my mum to find out what time she had booked the table for, low and
behold, the final hiccup, mum thought I booked the table, it's now the day
before my birthday we've invited 20 ish people for dinner and we have no
reservation, first thing in my mind was, well at least its a Monday, no ones
going to be booking a big table on a Monday, how wrong I was, my preferred
restaurant was fully booked and I just couldn't think of anywhere else in the
same area that would work for everyone. I eventually found somewhere I had been
looking to try for a while and mum called them and managed to get a booking in,
thank God! Plus as far as I'm aware, bad news only comes in 3's so hopefully
that's the worst it will get!
My birthday morning was lovely, Aaron prepared me a lovely breakfast with
coffee and I chilled out watching friends for most of the day, before getting
ready to see everyone for the evening, the getting ready process was a mess, I
have never had a movie scene wardrobe moment but it literally was clothes
flying all over the place, draped from lampshades that they'd landed on while I
frantically tried to choose my outfit, I could have utilized the weekend for
this haha, eventually I managed to get myself looking semi decent and we got an
Uber to the restaurant. The meal tonight was lovely, well, food wasn’t grand,
but the company and the experience made all these horrible feelings of self
doubt and loathing disappear, I was with people who wanted to be around me and
join in my celebration which was all I was seeking from the get go. Of course
being that my birthday celebration was on a Monday, I didn’t want to keep
everyone too late, we had our meal, a few of us headed to a cocktail bar and
then I left at around 11:30pm. Aaron and our dear friend Ali left a bit before
me (hahahaa I got the Uber all to myself) as Ali's partner was waiting at our
house for us to get back from the dinner. I had a lovely greeting from them all
when I finally stumbled through the door, dying for the loo and struggling to carry
the mounds of cake I had left over in a pizza box. I was gifted with a gorgeous
necklace from Ali's partner; she knows my style too well and greeted by Pip the
dog who I haven’t seen since last October on much more sombre terms. Night
turned to morning and Ali and crew left, I tried desperately to see out the
'evening' with Aaron but I conked out still in a full face of makeup, still
needing the loo because I ran out of toilet paper and had no napkins or kitchen
roll! Bad habits to start at this age... but at least for a few hours I
escaped, super organized and sensible Liza.
12th July 2016
Well, my makeup is still in tact, actually it looks amazing considering I
fidget in my sleep, if I just cleaned my eyes up I could get away with this
face f makeup for another day, no touch ups required- not that I would, but I
will give credit where credit is due, this Ben Nye Luxury powder and Urban
Decay Primer Potion and De Slick setting spray combo really, really works for
me and all of the products actually live up to the hype for once! I have to
wash it off though it feels so gross, I can’t stand going to bed without
washing my face! So ill be spending a lot of today trying to convince myself
that didn’t happen and it certainly wont happen again any time soon. From one
gross thing to the next, I decided today is a Mc Donald’s breakfast type of day
and I am not sorry at all, I have stopped myself from buying for months and
it's a rare treat, I think I can indulge the day after my birthday, for
recovery purposes and all that. Me and Aaron walked up to the high street and
picked up our food with extra hash browns, because we all know Mc D's do the
best hash browns ever and after that I dragged my poor guy to boots with me
because I desperately need to get rid of my roots and I haven’t the time or
money to get my hair done at a salon, I pick up a packet dye, it' s been a
looooong time since I've done a home hair job on myself, but it came out okay,
not exactly how I wanted it but at least my hair is all the same colour now! (I
even managed to dye my forehead, the colour is not coming off for love nor
money so I get used to my new look and embrace it, hahaha). After all that has
been taken care of me and Aaron start getting back to reality, we go back to
work tomorrow so we need to sort out the house, there are still clothes hanging
from the lampshade and shoes and make up scattered across the floor, we look
like we've been burgled! I pack all my stuff for work tomorrow and we order a
pizza (I sound like a really unhealthy person, I'm not, it's just a bit of a
cheat day for us) watch some videos on YouTube and just chill, content with
this last little bit of undisrupted time together, it's raining outside and I
find the sound so relaxing, I mean it's annoying it's raining in July but what
else should we expect, we live in London after all... The sound helps me drift
off to sleep.
13th July 2016
Why on Gods green earth did I not book today off work? Well, actually I did
so that question needs to be rephrased... Why on Gods green earth did I cancel
the day of leave I had booked off of work today? Oh yeah, rent, food, bills...
I am so not ready to go back to work. I'm never ready for work, I find it very
sad that this is the life we as people have to live, we should be able to enjoy
the world we live on with no restrictions, so whoever came up with this idea
that we all need to work to barely survive just got it all wrong. Like at what
point did the earth consent to these governments being in charge? Exactly,
pardon the tangent but this is an internal thought process I go through daily,
I don’t appreciate being forced into this life, I want to travel and embrace
our world not be trapped in an office for 8 hours a day working my butt off for
money that DOES grow on trees, it is paper after all. Then to add insult to
injury I get taxed the sh*t out of, pardon my French, and I don’t even get to
use my money to have fun when I get a day off. As I said, whoever came up with
this idea is out of their flipping mind!
Once I move on from this though process (about10-15 minutes internally every
single day) I grab some coffee and some buttery wholemeal toast (so good), it
usually perks me up. It's currently 6am and my eyes feel like they're going to
fall out of their sockets, I am surprisingly tired. I managed to drag myself
out of bed, yes, I went back to eat my breakfast in bed... I start getting
ready, I actually looked very professional, unusual for me, I did my hair and
makeup for work and everything, #23yearoldlife #reallifeadultingpro. When I got
to work I could have cried, I came in to the most beautiful little set up on my
desk, my friends had stuck a birthday banner across it, I had a little balloon
and card, some champagne truffles, a rose planter and a cake. Such little
cuties, both of them knew I had a bit of a pants weekend and properly cheered
me up!
The only thing to put a dampener on this happy occasion was me being
told by someone who had nothing to do with this surprise AND someone that I
have actually never even spoken to before, that I must share my cake and making
me feel guilty because I wanted to share it only with the girls who paid for
it, I am not a sharing person, sorry not sorry, live with my other half I
have to share everything, including this cake when I get home, so it's nice to
have something to yourself even if it is only for a few hours, at least I can
grab a few slices of cake in peace before I start having to distribute it. Now
my dislike for sharing doesn't mean I'm not generous, I am actually quite a
generous person, I'd just rather buy you your own plate of food than let you
take off mine if you catch my drift.
Me and one of the girls from work lingered around for 20 minutes after work
until 7 to catch the off peak fare for the journey home, every penny counts you
know. I called my dad on my way back home and we had a little catch up, I
really miss him and my step mum and really need to book some time off to go up
and visit them. When I eventually got home I made a lentil soup, I had only an
onion, some garlic, lentils and spices in my house so that was about all I
could make for dinner this evening. I tried and succeeded at avoiding doing the
housework and I did the usual night time routine of watching a film and falling
asleep before the film has even properly started, I'm not a big TV person.
14th July 2016
Coffee, buttery wholemeal toast and antihistamines, it's going to be one of
those days, I'll save the speech about how I feel about work and our human
experience today, although if you want to relive it, please do scroll up and
read it again, it is the same, every day. My hay fever is mental today,
probably karma for not sharing that cake, I can live with it though, the cake was
absolutely amazing, it was a brownie on the bottom, with 2 layers of cake
covered in a caramel buttercream icing *drools* I also have a nice slice
waiting for me when I get home! I made an effort again today #soproud I even
did my hair and make up AGAIN, is this 23? Is this what it feels like to be an
actual adult? I'm supposed to be seeing my uncle M today to be gifted with more
of his fiancés amazing chocolate brownies, my God, it's like a saint makes
them, and they’re perfect every time, all this cake talk reminds me, I still
need to text him to arrange this brownie exchange.
Work wasn’t as good as yesterday, obviously, but I am proud of myself, I
have quite a hard time at work which doesn’t help me feel hyped up to go. I work
in customer services, which doesn’t seem that challenging until you actually
have to do it for 40 hours a week. There’s something about dealing with the
general public that is really difficult, although the hardest thing for me is
the lack of common sense, that’s not to be horrible to anyone who calls in that
I help, I do it all the time myself when I call Vodafone or NatWest or Sky, it
just seems all logic disintegrates by the time you actually get through to
someone and that’s why everyone involved gets all stressy. Example: the only
call that got to me today, not for anything other than the rudeness and
attitude at my lack of magical mind reading abilities. Customer called looking
to speak to a specific company to arrange something, called our company, which
is not the one she was looking to speak to expecting me to be able to assist
with the query, I tried to explain we don’t deliver the service she is
explaining she is trying to arrange and that she has come through to the wrong
place, this customer wants me to transfer them to the correct company, only
thing is, the customer doesn’t know what this company is called. Now, I tried to keep my
patience because I was getting shouted at a lot for not being able to resolve
this for her, but I couldn’t help but let it get under my skin, I understand
the customer is frustrated because they’re trying to arrange something and cant
remember what the company is called but I also think it is absolutely
ridiculous to get angry with someone for not being able to help you find the
details for something when you don’t know what you're looking for yourself. So
in short, be patient with us customer service people, we get a lot of people
like this and I'm sure if you put yourself in our shoes for a second you would understand
just how difficult it is, its like dealing with a new-born, they cant vocalise
what they want with words only with sound, although the people who call can
talk they don’t always know what they need help with, if we don’t know what it
is you need help with it becomes a bit complicated and frustrating on both
ends. Anyway enough talk about work, I'm just really pleased I'm growing into
someone who is very patient and I am able to hold my temper a lot better than
when I first started here.
I hung back after work for 15 minutes to wait for my friend who is going travelling, I wanted to make sure I had the opportunity to say goodbye and wish him well on his travels as I'm not in tomorrow and I won’t be able to say goodbye with everyone else. We got the train together as he lives in the same direction as me and I stayed on the train until I reached my uncles house. I am amazed I found my way there; I always forget which house it is every time I go to visit! I was greeted with a G&T and brownies and ice cream, that in my eyes is some serious hosting goals! Much of the evening was spent talking about wedding dresses with my uncle’s fiancé and yes if you must know, I have already chosen my wedding dress even though I'm not engaged just yet; the next leg of the conversation was about Longchamp and my undying obsession with Longchamp bags. I pottered home at about 9pm and got back to my favourite person shortly afterwards as per we put on a film and I conked out almost immediately (I feel like this is going to be the legacy I leave behind- the girl who always falls asleep in films).
15th July 2016
I actually managed to sleep in today for once, such a rarity when I have a
day off, I slept until about 8:30am (yes that is a lie in for me), I had a near
death experience when I woke up this morning, okay in hindsight maybe that’s a
bit dramatic, but I panicked, I had a nice morning stretch, as you do... I do
not know what happened but I must have pulled my shoulder except it wasn’t just
my shoulder it was the whole of the right side of my body, my back, my chest,
my stomach, my heart stopped beating for a hot second I was in agony, plus I've
a mirror opposite my bed (bad Feng Shui I know) but seeing my own facial
expression and the anguish made it a million times worse! I couldn’t move at
all, it took a good few minutes to lie back down. I only got out of bed once I
had regained the ability to move again.
As usual my day off starts with a bit of housework, but today by a bit I mean
everything I have desperately struggled to ignore for the past week. In the
midst of my 90's montage style cleaning session I got a call from my friend B
who I am supposed to meet up with today. My original plan was to go to the
doctors, go up to Selfridges (I have some gift vouchers) go for a walk through
Hyde park and then meet B before we go to see our friend S, because I couldn’t
move this morning I actually had to cancel my doctors appointment and although
its warm out it wasn't sunny so I wasn’t up for my walk in Hyde park. B
and I agreed to meet each other in Croydon and I followed her to Hammersmith where
she had a quick bit of work to finish. I wandered off while she dealt with that
and spent copious amounts of money in Boots of all places and money on
everything apart from what I went in there for as per. I took myself over to
Starbucks and sat down and began drafting more work for my blog, I've got some
interesting stuff coming up, well in my opinion anyway.
Once she had finished we headed back to Brixton to see S and her little one,
while we were waiting for her to get back home we stopped for a late lunch at a
little pub Aaron used to work at in Herne Hill, the food was okay but the menu
has shrunk a lot since Aaron was there. We headed to S' house and I was finally
reunited with my favouritest baby in the world, my goodness the love I have for
this kid is unreal, just such a well behaved, calm and beautiful baby. I was looking
to leave around 7pm but we got there a bit later than we thought, B must have
stayed until around 8ish, I was goanna leave with her but we were going
different directions so I decided to stay a little longer and catch up with S
as I miss our late nights, we had some dinner and nattered away until about
12:30am at which point I had to tear myself away and head home for bed because
I have work tomorrow, granted I have a late start but I want to be fresh as a
daisy when I wake up tomorrow.
16th July 2016
Well that fresh as a daisy plan went out the window this morning! It took me
about 2 and a half hours to detach myself from my bed this morning, I am
absolutely exhausted. I am so so unbelievably grateful to have a 12pm start at
work today, I want to try something different today though, so I got up, got
ready and out of the house by 10am. I usually leave as late as I can to get to
work which means when I get in I feel lethargic and drained because I've
tried to postpone coming in as much as I possibly can and already put myself in
a negative headspace. Today I needed to go to the post office anyway so after I
had posted my item I hobbled down to Starbucks AGAIN, God damn their delicious
concoctions. I walked down to the station while doing a sly bit of window
shopping and hopped on an early train to work. I called my grandma on my way in
and had a nice catch up, I usually call a few times in the week but it's been
so hectic I just haven't found a second to do it. She had some surgery last
year and is still recovering but is going back to work tomorrow for the first
time in quite a number of months, she seems a little concerned but I have
confidence she will be fine and will be back to her old self in no time, she's
been in her industry for years, she knows what she's doing.
Work has been alarmingly quiet today, I say alarmingly because that probably
means I'm going to have a sh*ttonne of calls tomorrow, you know, just to level
everything out. Most of my day in the office has been spent on life and blog
admin, with casual conversations about everything from father figures to make
up products, pregnancy gender reveals to Brexit. You name it; we had a
conversation about it. A lot can be discussed in 8 hours.
On another note, I've been really thinking about this whole turning 23
thing, it's weird to say it but I feel a shift in my attitude, I feel a lot
calmer for some reason, and I'm not sure why but I feel a lot more confident
and sure of myself as a person. Maybe just maybe I'm outgrowing my anxiety, I
can hope at least... Only 2 hours left until I can be reunited with Aaron, it
sounds clingy but I love my man, I love being around him, I love everything
about him even the bad stuff, I just love our love, it's just so pure. Every
time I see his face it lifts my spirit and I'm feeling a little poorly today so
I really can't wait to be back home and snuggled up, cheesy I know, but I am
counting the milliseconds until I am back in my own domain.
On my way back home I call my old man to catch up with him, he's had an
accident at work so has been out of action for the last few days, it's always a
bit of a blessing and a curse when that happens, but I guess what he loses in
money he makes up for with the opportunity for a little break he now has. Once
I get in from work Aaron and I catch up and order a pizza, I know, I said last
time would be the last time but this pizza shop does the most amazing food and it’s
actually not the worst quality pizza so I don’t think it's too bad. After
tossing and turning for hours because of my poorly-ness I manage to get to
sleep.
17th July 2016
I woke up at 5:30 am today, no more lie ins for me- not that I didn't try to
get a bit more sleep, but I just feel so unwell, I know I need rest but I just
cant get comfortable, my tummy is giving me so much grief. Instead of sleeping,
I look at the Zara sale and end up spending £120 in the sale- whoops- I have
spent it on work stuff so it is stuff I need, but it will leave me a bit short
this week, although to be honest I got a decent amount of stuff and saved a
fortune based on original prices so I'm not too devastated, its money, it'll be
back in my account on Friday it's not the end of the world, just feels a bit
strange to have spent that much money before 7am on a Sunday. I managed to get a
couple of loads of laundry done before I needed to leave the house this morning
and made myself a packed lunch for work. After getting ready, today is a no
makeup day for the record, I get out of the door at around 10:30 (old habits
die hard, I'm procrastinating again, at least with good reason, I feel
absolutely awful at the moment).
I walk to the station, the bus is too much noise and too hot, once I get
there I realise my train isn’t for another 26 minutes! I forgot it was Sunday
today, this calls for ANOTHER Starbucks, it's probably going to make me feel
worse but at least it will make me smile. I wander back to the station after
getting the usual order Caramel Frappe with 2 shots of coffee, no cream. I have
a bit of time to spare before my train gets here, so I open the parcel I received
in the post yesterday from Birchbox, my auntie very kindly gifted me with a 3
month subscription. I was so pleased because I have wanted to try one of these
beauty subscriptions for ages and I haven’t been able to choose which company I
want to set it up with, there are just so many, so at least I can test the
waters for these next few months. I am pleasantly surprised; I actually got
some really great products and quite high end too, Rituals, Caudalie, John
Frieda, Nails Inc and Millie Mackintosh. I can’t wait to test all these
products out and do some product reviews for you guys!
I board my train to work and try and keep my cool, I feel jittery and like
I'm either going to vomit or my arsehole is going to explode (sorry for the
imagery, but I always keep it real) I am really starting to think I might have
a tummy bug, quite a few people at work have done and have had similar symptoms
but I'm so annoyed about it! I am supposed to go to Portsmouth later this week
and I was really looking forward to it and I don’t want to miss out but at the
moment I'm really not feeling up to it. Once I arrive at the office, I cannot
stop sweating my God, I feel like I've just done a 2 hour workout, my body
feels like it is overheating, I feel like I need to go home, but it's quiet
today so I'm going to try my hardest to sit this out.
I manage to survive about 3.5 hours of work before I feel like I have to
leave, there is no air in the office, no windows that are opened, I feel like
I'm going to pass out my hands are quivering, I'm sweating profusely and I feel
like I'm going to be sick any minute. I speak to one of the managers and ask if
I can leave early today because I have training tomorrow which I absolutely
cannot miss and I need to start feeling remotely normal. She lets me leave
early and Aaron picks me up to make sure I make it home safely, because I am
feeling quite faint, the heat outside is definitely not helping although it is
absolutely beautiful out today, I just wish I could actually appreciate it. The
rest of the evening was a bit of a blur, most of the evening was spent trying to
eat something and trying to rest, both tasks seemed impossible, every time food
got near me the smell would make me feel sick, every time I tried to sleep my
stomach would seize up in cramps and pain. Eventually I managed to get some
sleep.
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