Sick of being sick.

As we get closer to 2016, I'm focused on improving my health, I'm so sick of being sick...

I'm still in the process of recovering from a chest infection, just 4 more days of antibiotics to go!

It made me think, how did I end up in the position I'm in right now?

It genuinely is all down to stress and running myself down. I didn't believe for a second I could feel so awful trying to help everyone out which obviously makes you feel awful for trying to distance yourself from helping others.

The last 4-5 months have been unbelievably challenging, my partner was in an accident at work which left him unable to work for 3 months, which in turn of course lead to some financial stress, borrowing money from family and a small amount of credit card debt, that financial stress forced me to strive to get the job I had been trying to get for so long, which I happened to get in the midst of that struggle, both amazing and seemingly impossible at the time, I was not dealing with my anxiety and I had to learn an entire new industry and pass my probation, leave all of my colleagues from my last job and meet new people and of course prove myself. 

Then my partner was able to go back to work, he jumped straight back in to full time work, meaning every cough, bug and flu going came straight back home with him! There was also still financial pressure though while waiting for that first cheque. Shortly after this things seemed to be looking up, I was still losing sleep over money, which I hate because that's not how I am, you can always make money, its so replaceable, I've never preached anything in my life more than that! The more you chase money the further away it is, don't stress about it.

Amongst a wealth of other ongoing issues with my mum which I lend as much emotional support as I can to, my grandmother had to have a hip replacement , naturally I offered to help out for a couple of weeks in the interim as she had made some previous arrangements, but I've never had anyone depend on me entirely before, my partner needed help lifting things and financial support, but to have to be completely responsible for another human being is terrifying, at work, I was worrying, I worried so much, I worried myself sick and this is where it began, I have been unwell for the last 5 weeks. 

I've gone backwards.

So as I mentioned previously, I intend to improve my health mentally and now of course physically. Knowing and understanding your abilities and limits is key when it comes to this, you cant do everything for everyone, especially when you're not doing anything for you. 

I would do all of the above and more in a heartbeat for my family and friends, but I have learnt a serious lesson, I need to have balance, I am a woman on a mission, I will never leave anyone without support if they need it but I need to change my approach so I don't become the one needing that support.

A few things I'm doing to help me maintain my sanity are;

Waking up early, even if my day doesn't start early, how can I utilize time effectively if I don't utilize time effectively? Plus, it gives me time to do what I want to do, which is, mainly watching YouTube vlogs, KUWTK, drinking copious amounts of coffee and water while shoving a ridiculously extravagant breakfast in my face, you know the Instagram breakfasts, the ones I shamelessly aspire to recreate (yes I'm a food picture person), those ones where you try to eat all of your 5 a day at once and then some, before the madness starts!

Eating well, I'm not trying to be preachy or trendy, it helps. I have always eaten well, I have the odd day where I properly pig out on sweets and crisps, but generally I just pig out on good stuff and it makes me feel and occasionally look a million times better inside and out. 

Finally...

Not feeling guilty for wanting alone time. I used to hate being alone, so much so that my mums punishment to me would be to make me sit on my own in my room for what felt like forever, I did pretend to be Rapunzel and sing solemnly out of my window whilst I was trapped in that tower of loneliness, but in all seriousness I have always despised being on my own, I was petrified of my own company, that was until I got my own place. If I could just be on my own basically all the time, that would be perfect. I'm joking, but I appreciate my alone time so much and when you are emotionally invested in what seems like a million and one problems its nice to have a day to yourself once in a while, preferably once a week, where you can just do you, it allows you to take that time to do what you need to do for yourself, sleep, eat, treat yourself, pamper yourself, whatever it is, just sign off for a day and dedicate it to supporting your own needs. 

You cannot help others without helping yourself. 

The final thing I'm doing is reflecting. This year has been tough, but I would rather these challenges came now than in later life. I am so proud of myself, this year has made me realise just how much I am capable of and I have to say, I'm not doing badly at all! I am certain if you reflected you would feel exactly as I do, be grateful for everything, including the struggles, you're only learning more and growing into a stronger person.