Just another end of year blog post...

It's finally here, 31st December, 2016.

I feel like things are going to go one of two ways, either the entire world is going to explode at midnight because 2016 was just too much for everyone, or once midnight hits everything is magically going to get absolutely amazing. 

I'd like to believe everything is about to get fucking amazing!

I don't usually like to make New Years resolutions, but I will say I do have some goals, if you will, for this year and I absolutely intend to stick to them, if you needed a bit of inspiration or you're actually interested in what I've got up my sleeve then please read, if not, skip to the next paragraph... 

1.  Get my organized & disciplined self back (has anyone seen her, she's been missing for ages).
2.  Actually clear my credit card debt (yas people, I'm still in the process, don't get sucked into the BS).
3.  Save.
4.  Live more.
5.  Spend more time with everyone!
6.  Stop hating my job so much (haha). 
7.  Try very hard, and I mean this is the hardest, to not swear as much as I do (this post is not included, I will be getting as many swears as possible in here).

I know and have personally felt the overwhelming amount of shittiness 2016 has offered all of us and unfortunately no, this is not a case of me being able to say the goodness outweighed the bad, I mean David Bowie passed away, how do you recover from that? You just don't that's the simple answer, rest in peace you absolute legend. However I have learnt one life skill this year and it has been stretched as far as it could be stretched so I know I can apply this to any situation now, 2016 has taught me the art of acceptance. 

So for 2017 I want to be happy, I have my plan and any shit I have to accept in that process, well fine, fuck it I will, I don't wish to allow unsolicited crap to stand in the way of my goals this year, my happiness is too valuable to me, I know that sounds ignorant but if I am not happy, I am not helpful and if I am not helpful then what the fuck am I doing here? If there is one thing the human race needs, it's to be more helpful, I'm telling you we could fix so many problems if we found enough love for ourselves that we could start being helpful to others.

I have turned into a very hostile person this year (I think a lot of us do have our guards up), I have allowed others to drag me down to their level and although I am not better than anyone, I am better than the person I am right now and I really need to remember that for 2017. I don't want to be preachy, I wish to be inspiring, I don't want to be angry, I wish to be passionate, I don't want to be anxious, I wish to feel stable, I don't want to be back at square one, I wish to win the game all those negatives need to turn into positives so that I can. I know there will be challenges and I am ready for them, because, I and you and everyone else for that matter deserve better than this but I, you and everyone else are responsible for our own happiness and our own futures, if the world is against us we need to be our own cheerleaders and team-mates and make things happen regardless. I don't want to be held back by the world, I want to excel through my hardships!

 

So on that note...

Bring it on 2017, I am SO ready, bring me all your greatness, bring me all your love, bring me all your kindness, bring me all the goodness and I will be great, loving, kind and good, I will match every positive you give me and I will rise above every negative with grace and elegance (well as much elegance as one can have in a flannel shirt, jeans and trainers). 

I hope you all have an amazing, safe (grandma Lizanne's popped in) New Years Eve and most importantly I hope you build the most amazing 2017 for yourselves, big, massive love, and for my favourite line of NYE, see you next year (haha)! 

Today...

Today I am feeling defeated but at the same time empowered, if that even makes any sense at all...

I feel defeated because I have given up on this year, it's been a bit shit, the next fortnight will probably also be a bit shit, lets be honest. 

I feel defeated and deflated that I still work in customer service and this is all I have made of myself at this stage in my life.

I feel defeated that I cannot beat my anxiety, even after being so sure I was in control in my past posts.

I feel defeated that I let my anxiety stand in the way of my passion for writing and I let my, very few readers down with a lack of content.

I feel defeated that my bravado and water off a ducks back approach to peoples opinions has been chipped away at throughout the last few months.

It's been a tough year for me and most certainly a tough year for a lot of people who have definitely had it way worse than me, this year I wanted to discover myself and in doing so I found a lot of things I do not like, which in one aspect makes me feel empowered that I have identified some of the issue but it certainly brings me down too! How the human race functions at the moment in general makes me feel defeated, to name a few; Syria, Yemen, Gaza, the EU referendum & the racism that followed, Theresa May, Southern rail services, London rent, rest of the world rent, police officers in the US and to be honest pretty much everywhere in the world abusing their power, all the incredible people who have lost their lives this year, bloody DONALD TRUMP in the White House! Need I say any more? All of us normal, compassionate folks have been looking at at the world self destruct and like me a lot of us have probably lost our last little shred of hope for a peaceful, safe and progressive future. 

However, I still feel empowered.

I feel empowered because I have identified my own issues.

I feel empowered because I know in my heart I am a good person, who would give everything I could to someone who needed it. 

I feel empowered because I have a somewhat solid plan for 2017.

I feel empowered for being able to sort of find the words to write again today.

The bad certainly outweighs the good this year and at this current moment but I feel empowered because I know I am not alone in this feeling and I have faith we will all find the light in these dark times.

Update: I think Lizanne's gone craaazy. (Play on Eminem, if you get it you get it)

Firstly, I'd like to start strong, I am sorry for my absence, if you've been missing me. I've been dealing with some shit that's been pretty shitty (obviously Liza) and is ongoing so I cannot guarantee my presence as much as I want to at the moment, it's for my own sanity, I'm sure you can understand... 

I had a bit of a meltdown, outside work, in front of many people about a month ago (yes, it was so embarrassing) I cannot for love nor money tell you what managed to get my head that tied up, but I'm willing to bet my anxiety played a lead role in it. I took a week off work (not long enough, but rent needs to be paid and I need my job) spoke to my GP, family and friends, I immersed myself in nature (cheesy as it sounds, that's just what I need right now) I spent time trying to find beauty in things again. Soooo cliché, but who doesn't love a cliché...? 

Genuinely, I am starting to lose the will to do anything, I want what I want, I want to live in a quiet area, away from people (I prefer limited company) where I can work from home (preferably my own business, because I don't like people that much) I want to rest. The problem is, I have a goal but I have no willpower to make it happen, it's like all my faith in myself has gone and right now, I'm too tired to find it. 

I cannot deal with the simple pressures of life, even a crowded train is too much for my brain to process right now, being able to work out a budget for myself is near impossible, I just see binary for a life that's frankly a bit crap that I cannot afford, I cant even drag my clean freak self out of bed to sort my house out, I can't talk to my friends because I don't want to burden them but also I don't think this has reached the point that I need to just yet, I can see very clearly my own head is fucking with me.

I cannot deal with the simple pressures of my job, I find it easy to be roped into tirades of negativity, I'm annoying myself and almost certainly others but I cannot stop and maybe that's me, maybe as I've said before I need to live through this bullshit bubble, but the other side of me is desperately searching for some hope.

Will I ever find my way to it?

Who knows, but that's where I'm at right now and I owe it to you as kind readers of my thoughts, to let you know. I've got a few things lined up so stay with me, I'm not a total lost cause yet!

Late Product Review: Liz Earle daily essentials kit (normal/combination)

 

http://www.boots.com/en/Liz-Earle-Daily-Essentials-Kit-for-Normal-Combination-Skin_1654099/

Today I have a nice little review for you guys, I have been so excited to review these products but I wanted to test them for at least a week to let you know how they are, first impressions are great but they're not always correct, except in the case of these products...

A couple of years ago I tried to delve into the world of Liz Earle skincare, I did not have the budget for it and I did not give much of a shit about my skin, being in my 20's now, these things matter a little bit more to me (hello anti ageing, yes, partying like a wild animal through my teens has not done me any favours) also now I have some dollar dollar bills to spend on the good stuff. Usually I try to avoid stuff like this I'm all about the natural route, coconut oil, hot water, cold water, vitamin e oil to moisturise. I noticed with this that my skin was looking dull, I wanted to try something not completely harsh and full of badness but something with a bit more BAM (if you catch my drift). 

I went to Waterloo station the other day as you would have read in my diary and got talking to one of the Liz Earle reps in boots, she gave me a free tester and I thought I would give it a try, what's the worst that could happen? I might break out, oh no, story of my fucking life, I always have a spot somewhere on this gorgeous face. I might make my pores worse, I might get dry skin. Whatever, I'm walking on the wild side, I started thinking, God damn, what if this actually makes an enormous difference and it has.

Now I can't say for sure that anyone else might have noticed but I can assure you, I, have noticed. My breakouts are still happening but nowhere near as bad as they were and side note, I am on my period for literally the 3rd time in the last 4-6 weeks (fucking pill) so that is going to cause some problems. My pores have tightened and certainly aren't as noticeable, I'm not going to lie and say they're gone, that will never, ever happen, but this stuff really gets in there and cleans them out. The main thing though, my complexion, I'm fucking glowing, I'm glowing so much I could pass as a UV accessory and I dig it. 

The kit was £45 but you get, Cleanse & Polish Hot Cloth Cleanser 100ml, Instant Boost Skin Tonic 200ml, Skin Repair for Normal/Combination skin 50ml, Gentle Face Exfoliator 50ml PLUS 2 muslin face cloths. Which in all honesty, is not actually that bad, I was quite pleased. 

 

Cleanse & Polish Hot Cloth Cleanser, I still haven't even touched the one that I brought, I'm still working my way through the 30ml sample and I use it twice a day, if I'm wearing make up I use 2 applications and I've had the sample now for over a week and a half, so a little goes a long way. It smells amazing, it is especially great in the morning to wake yourself up because its got like a eucalyptus/minty smell, I don't know exactly, but it's nice. This is step one, you massage into face and neck in circular motions, heat up the cloth until it's hot to the touch, wring the cloth out and wipe the cleanser off your face using different sections of the cloth so you aren't cross contaminating, once all the cleanser has been rinsed off you splash your face with cold water, or do what I do and put freezing water on the cloth after rinsing it and press it over my face section by section to close my pores. 

Instant Boost Skin Tonic, I like this, I needed a toner and I have never found one that doesn't make me feel like my skin is about to rip off of my face because of how tight it gets. This toner is really hydrating and doesn't leave that dry/tight feeling or sticky residue, this too smells lush. This is the second step, so you whack a fair amount to douse a cotton pad and sweep it over your face and neck, although I'm not much of a sweeper, more of a patter. I let it dry and move on to the next step which is...

Skin Repair for Normal/Combination skin, I'm not a fan of thin consistency moisturisers but I'm not letting my bias stand in my way of this trial run. Once I have let my toner air dry I dot this over my face and neck and massage it in. Quick anecdote, totally relates to this product by the way, I was on the bus the other day when I was heading out to my friends gig, which I mentioned in my diary last week, linked above, while I was sitting there I could just smell something, kind of wet doggish but not really, I assumed it was the guy behind me, he looked hot and the bus was baking, when I got off the bus I got over it and moved on and enjoyed myself at the gig. Annnnnywayy, when I got home and completed the routine in the evening, I smelt it again, it's the fucking moisturiser, now, it doesn't smell horrendous, it's just not as pleasant as the rest of the range. Wet doggish is maybe a bit harsh but I don't particularly like the smell, that being said the moisturiser is very hydrating and absorbs into the skin quickly which I love. 

Gentle Face Exfoliator 50ml, I am not head over heels in love with this, I prefer my own homemade scrubs which I have improvised on and looked at other random articles to get recipes for, but I will say, it was a free gift in the set, it's not going to be ground breaking, its nice, it does it's job and it smells good, the beads aren't too harsh on the skin and that's about as much as I can say on the product. 

Overall, I'm really pleased with the set, price and the results, unfortunately I am a massive plonker and forgot to do a before and after shot of my skin #dickheaaad, but I've got a spot treatment product review coming up and I pinky promise I will make sure I have before and afters on that post! I hope you enjoyed my review, I am not sponsored unfortunately so I don't get paid for this, but it goes to show how much I love the products and I feel they're totally worthy of over an hour of my writing time to tell you about them! I promise if I ever reach a stage of ultimate blogger fame, I will not sell out, I will always give my honest opinion on everything, sponsored, un-sponsored, you name it, I'll still be Jenny from the block, if you will...

Diary of a 23 year old nobody: 08/08/16-14/08/16

8th August 2016

I decided yesterday as you know to wake up early and get loads done first thing, I did wake up early 6am to be precise, but I maybe did two things on my list.. (whoops). I spoke with Aaron while he was on his way to work, when we finished the call I chilled in bed for a little while. This morning I made a decision about something seemingly not very important but something that definitely does make an impact on our day to day lives, Facebook...

I love Facebook so much, I love the idea of social media but I am so so exhausted with the reality of it and of course, the dreaded comments section, I'm always drawn to them because I'm always interested in other peoples reactions to things but sometimes, people can be such arse holes and so vulgar because on Facebook they do not face consequences nor do they have to take responsibility for their words. I'm not a person to stand by and watch while bad things happen and I always try my upmost to remain positive but also make people accountable for their words to try and encourage people to change their mindset and understand that words can hurt and when you do this, usually, you get the name calling and hurtful words tenfold. I'm exhausted with it, frankly I do not give a shit what you have to say about me because I know the difference between right and wrong but, speaking ill of someone who can't defend themselves is just gross, there's no other word for it really. So I have decided to distance myself, I've logged out of the app on my phone so I don't have the notifications constantly and I've decided to limit the amount of time I look at it daily and weekly.

One app I do live for though is snapchat, which brings me on to the rest of my morning, to help myself get in a cleaning mood I put Kisstory on, a blessing and a curse. The music was great and I got loads of miming videos on snapchat to annoy all the people who are insane enough to follow me on it, what this also meant was I got totally distracted and didn't do any of the things I planned this morning. Maybe if you're lucky I'll pop the footage below, haha. I got myself ready and did this dishes (1 thing on my list) on my way out took the rubbish out (another thing on my list).

I walked to the station and called my Mimi to see how she's doing and talk to her a little bit about my experience with the whole Facebook thing. We came off the phone by the time I got on the train, I continued with Kisstory blasting in my ears and experiencing my morning commute without Facebook. I bumped into my friend S's friend on the tube when getting to Greenwich and when we came out of the station we went and collected our lunch from Tesco's together, we parted ways after that as she works somewhere else. I headed up to the office, got logged in, published my last diary entry (which I will promote on Facebook) and started taking calls. I make it to lunch at which point I dedicate half of my break on working on this first diary entry for the week, #bloggerlife #anyfreemomentwilldo I am absolutely dying for a wee though so I might have to get away from this desk before I wet myself! I have a BLT, some blueberries, some black grapes an iced coffee and some crisps, thai sweet chilli sensations, if you were interested... I walk downstairs with my friend T and have a cigarette and catch up about our weekends, I walk her to the station and then walk back to the office and get settled at my desk ready to continue the rest of my shift, I start working on another blog post and time flies of course, before I know it, it's time to log back into the phones.

I start taking calls again at 4:35pm, it's brutal, the two calls I've taken have been absolutely horrid, I've only tried to help with basic things but people don't seem to have any logic. The rest of the shift isn't much easier but some really nice people have cheered me up a bit, my friend Y calls me before I'm about to go on break so I give him a shout when I get downstairs, I try to call Aaron after but there's still no answer so I send a message to find out if he is at home tonight and if he is okay. Eventually my shift draws to an end, I pack my stuff and head home, Aaron still isn't answering, I'm really worried. I get the train and call my friend S once I reach Croydon, I smoke a couple of cigarettes downstairs but it keeps making me sick, so I think I'm going to stop for a little while.

I head upstairs and Aaron is sleeping, blissfully unaware I have been worrying my tits off for easily 2 hours about his whereabouts! I continue my conversation with S until my battery dies, I get myself all washed up and ready for bed, I turn the TV off, put my phone on charge and crawl into bed with Aaron.

9th August 2016

I woke up early, 6am ish, but I do not feel good at all, my stomach is killing me, its so painful I can barely move, I sleep in until I absolutely have to get up but even when I do get up I'm still in enormous pain. I pull myself together and get out of the front door and on the train to work, when I arrive at work I'm in such pain that I have to ask to go home, I get signed off for the day and told to come back when I feel better.

I make my way back home, what a waste of money, I should have just called, but I wanted to try at least. I get back to Croydon head to boots to try and find something to help me but unfortunately they have nothing, I grab some chips and a diet coke from Mc D's, probably not the key to feeling better but I need something. I walk home slowly contemplating getting some food shopping but I cannot manage to carry it home.

I get indoors and flop in bed still in my work clothes, I do not move until the evening, just to get more water and something to eat. The only time the pain isn't completely unbearable is when I'm lying down dead straight. I go to sleep early and hope to feel better in the morning.

10th August 2016

I wake up early again to try and see if I can muster the energy to go to work, today I feel much the same as yesterday. My colleague and friend T texts me and asks if I am coming in today, I'm still undecided at this point but she tells me if I'm anything like yesterday I should just stay home. To be honest with you, I feel even worse today, I decide at about 9am, I'm not going to make it in, I call in sick.

I order some food shopping online because I genuinely cannot move and I have barely anything in the house. I have boiled egg and soldiers again for brunch and a shittonne of water. I watched Legend of the drunken master (another favourite film) and managed to get a little bit of laundry done in the house. Aaron gets home from work and joins my couch (bed) potato situation, he doesn't feel great either. Eventually the food shopping arrives, I put everything away and make a breakfast sandwich for dinner, not amazing but it's something. I have a shower and get ready for bed early I don't have the energy to stay up. We watch a documentary on this cult and I literally passed out at the end of it. To be honest there's not much to report for the last few days I've just been wrapped up in bed.

11th August 2016

Today is my day off anyway but I make a decision that I have to go back to work tomorrow for my own sanity. I do a bit of housework and prepare my dinner following that I literally watch chick flicks back to back, clueless, legally blonde, there was another one but I haven't seen it before so I can't remember what it was but it had Dane Cook in it. Aaron gets back from work, I have a bath, have some dinner and I go to bed, exciting right!?

12th August 2016

We are finally here, the first time I have left my house in 3 days, I get up at about 7:30am, wash and dress myself, have some breakfast and take the rubbish out. I collect some parcels I have waiting for me, my Mario Badescu products have finally arrived, review coming soon. I take them upstairs and grab my stuff to leave for work, I walk down to the station, it's beautiful weather out today, my stomach is still giving the odd pang of pain but it's not extraordinary.

I get to Greenwich with a bit of time to spare so head to Starbucks and get a caramel frappe and ham and cheddar croissant, I get upstairs and logged in and catch up with a couple of friends before I start my shift. From the moment the first call came in all that cabin fever I had from being at home for 3 days disappeared, I wanted to return to my hibernation spot and live in peace watching chick flicks but no, I'm back here. Customer service queen! I had a few meetings today which definitely helped speed up the day. I have also decided to smoke as little as I can as the feeling of it is making me hurl but obviously that need to go outside and have a cigarette is still very present, ESPECIALLY in my working environment.

The only breaks I take today are the ones designated, morning break (15mins) lunch break (1 hour) afternoon break (15mins), it is crazy busy. I manage to work on 1 single sentence of my blog before I get trapped in another wave of calls. Eventually the day ends and I can escape, I decided to stay with Aaron at his mums tonight so I head over on the train. I call my sister and try and contact my grandma to let her know I'll be in the area, but I forgot she's out today. I treat myself to a lavender lemonade from this pretzel place I always walk past at Clapham Junction and spend 5mins trying to get a picture for instagram, its just about passable but I look like a bit of a prick, how the hell am I going to do YouTube?

I get to Aaron's mums road and see the PAAAAL (cat) he's mewing at me so I stand in the middle of the street giving him a tummy rub, I tell him to come home and walk off. I get indoors and we order Chinese food for dinner, Aaron's mum isn't feeling great she had an asthma attack I think yesterday and her chest sounds bad. We watch some of the Olympics (for someone who hates them, I'm starting to get a little into it) then Aaron's mum puts CBB on, I usually don't watch this but OH MY GOD RENEE FROM MOB WIVES IS IN IT!!! I feel like I have missed out now, I'm not going to allow this to suck me in, just a new season of Mob Wives please ITV.

I head downstairs to the garden where Aaron is and have a cigarette, after this I come in and wash my hands and face before getting ready for bed, Aaron makes a little cocoon out of duvets and pillows for me and we drift off.

13th August 2016

Aaron wakes me before he leaves for work, I tell him I love him then ask him to turn the flipping side light off, it's blinding and I don't have to be up for at least another hour! I get out of bed at 8:15am I need to leave at 8:45am, I get up and go for a wee, wash myself get dressed (luckily I packed fresh clothes for some random reason) and get my bag ready. I knock on W's bedroom door to let her know I'm off and I'll see her later and I walk to the station.

I get to the station with enough time, the one thing I don't have is deodorant I go to Superdrug and buy 3 deodorants, one body oil, one moisturiser, dry shampoo (I don't know why, I never use it, I'd rather just wash my hair) and it takes all my self control not to buy a sickly sweet body spray. I then nip over to M&S to buy lunch, I was going to bring my Chinese from yesterday but I am always so unhealthy when I'm away from home, so I grab one big thing of carrot and orange juice (favourite, better when its fresh with ginger too) get a Mexican rice salad thing (its the best salad at M&S) and some Honey BBQ wholegrain snacks (never tried before, Ill update you after lunch). I get to my platform ready to buy myself some breakfast from my usual when I travel from Clapham junction, they've got the board up offering products they don't even have in stock, I leave it because they have literally 2 pastries and thats it, I get my train, hungry as fuck by the way, pay my electric bill and make my way to work.

When I get to Greenwich I repeat yesterday morning, I walk to Starbucks, get a caramel frappe and a ham and cheddar croissant. Everything is great until I realise I've spilt coffee on my brand new, primarily white top, for fuck sakes. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. I cannot wear white to save my life without staining it, how the fuck am I going to cope when I get married, not that it's happening anytime soon but seriously? My wedding dress is going to be trashed by the end of the day! I participate in my own wet t-shirt contest at work and clean the coffee marks off with cold water and washing up liquid (I'm giving away all my secrets now, yes its a stain buster and yes its great for cleaning suede but there is a process). I get logged in and start taking calls, it's crazy busy again today. In the 5 seconds I get between each call me and my friend S manage to have a conversation across the space of about an hour about a handbag I might buy off her, we leave the discussion on her sending some pictures and a price so I can let her know if I want it.

My break arrives and I work on all of the above relating to today, my old phone had the blogger app so I could work as I went but the app isn't available on Apple, why Blogger? You know all these blogging bishes are on iPhones! Shieeet. Anyway, I work through my break and get back on the phones at 12:10pm, I take a couple calls and it's gets quiet and now I have nothing to write about as we are actually in the present moment and nothing is going on in my brain, I need to pee, we can catch up later! I just got a call anyway so I can't talk to you guys, sorry not sorry.

I get through the barrage of calls and manage to survive without losing my temper, its finally lunchtime, we are halfway through the day. I eat my Mexican salad and drink a bottle of water, I have just wrapped up a blog post so I send it to some people in my office and put it out there on Facebook. I walk over to my friend O and ask if I can steal a rollie, I have a chat with him and my other friend O, in the midst of this she makes a joke about staining my top and literally the moment she says it I drop some of the salad AND dressing down the front of me, AGAIN. I take myself to the kitchen and try to get it out, it doesn't happen straight away but I manage to fade it so hopefully it'll come out in the wash, its a Mexican salad dressing though and because of the oil its going to be a bitch to get it out. I go downstairs for my cigarette and come back up and sit with boy O for a bit catching up, we sit in different parts of the office so I haven't seen these guys in a while! My lunch draws to an end and I get myself logged back in on the phones.

It's quiet, peace at last... I use this time to sort my emails and start working on a new blog post.

I have a review coming up guys, get excited, I'm joking, feel how you want but I am excited to share my new HOLY GRAIL with you! It's on and off busy for the rest of the shift, I crack open these honey BBQ wholegrain snacks, they're edible but I'm lost on the BBQ element also the honey element, they're a bit lacklustre, definitely not worth the 95p or whatever it was. I fully cannot wait to get out of here today, but I've got a mission journey coming up, I have to go back to my house, grab stuff, pack a bag and head back over to Battersea, there are no trains running from Croydon tomorrow for my route, but I'm not going to lie, I am so tempted to stay home tonight, I want to try my Mario Badescu products that came in the post, I really need to hoover and I want to iron and hang my clothes for the week ahead. I might tell Aaron I'm staying at home, it's just a bit of a mish, if I had a car it would be fine, but it will be just as problematic getting to work tomorrow from Clapham as it will be from Croydon.

I call Aaron once I finish work and all the above goes out the window, I call my Mimi, I always keep spare clothes ect at her house. She's home so I head over after work and all of our friends from San Francisco are visiting the UK, I catch up with them all, by catch up I mean I talk about myself for ages (I feel really bad about that but sometimes I get caught in the moment) I stay for a couple hours, we chat about whats going on in America with Trump, the police all this madness that gets reported to us over here. It hits about 9:30pm, I really ought to make a move, I grab my clothes and my prescription (finally), give everyone some love and walk down to Aaron's mums house. I try to call Aaron but he's not answering, I hope he's awake, he usually conks out around this time, I call B on my way down anyway because I miss her and I want to see her! We make a plan for me to go over tomorrow for a couple of drinks, I can't go crazy because I have work on Monday but I can have a nice Sunday adult beverage!

I get to Aaron's mums, put my stuff downstairs, catch up with W and head out into the garden with Aaron for a cigarette, we catch up for a little while before I crawl into bed with my brand new book that I'm super excited to read (The life changing magic of not giving a f*ck- Sarah Knight) I get through the first chapter and start feeling sleepy, I decide to set my alarm for work tomorrow and doze off, not giving a fuck about anything.

14th August 2016

My alarm goes off at 7:30am, I'm so cozy I don't want to move, so I don't until 8:20am, now I've only got 20 minutes to get ready, oh well it was worth it. I get in the shower, wash myself, change into some fresh clothes after using my new moisturiser I got yesterday and fix my face and hair. I go upstairs to Aaron and put some stuff in his bag that I couldn't handle carrying around all day, he does it to me all the time (ladies you know what I mean). Anyway, I chill with him for about 10 minutes and he compliments my shirt, it makes me smile because, well, thats MY man and he loves me even in my Sunday worst! We hug it out before I leave and I start walking down to the station, my train is at 9:20am and its 9am, I need breakfast, I decide to risk it and see if I have time to sort breakfast at this end. While I'm walking I get a call from my friend K, I'm in shock I've never seen her up this early unless she has work, I ask if she's okay, obviously and she informs me she's doing a breakfast run, we chat for 40mins while I'm on the train and decide we will meet up probably next week.

I get to Greenwich and call Aaron, I remind him I will be out this evening and find out what his plans are for the day, we finish the catch up we were having indoors and I end the call, I have to get logged into my computer. It's dead quiet on the phones for the first 30mins so I use the time to get cracking on a new blog post, yes guys, I'm going hard, I have a shittone of content for you. I get a couple of calls back to back and I also get a massive headache, I have painkillers but I just want to see if I can get rid of it with water first. I have this spot as well which is fucking hurting, literally so painful, but lets see how much of a G this spot is when I get my Mario Badescu drying lotion on it! I'm hoping for a miracle with this product, before and after shots coming sooner than expected.

I work my way through until lunch and I'm not really hungry but I am gonna eat the other half of my toasted sandwich from earlier. I read some of my book and go and chat with my friend O about this book and self confidence and finding the comfort in being yourself, I have a cigarette downstairs with him and head back up after about 15mins, I go for a wee because that coffee just went straight through me and I call Aaron to remind him, for the love of God, to not forgot the charger cable I left with him! I head back over to my desk and start typing the above, hello, this is a live/not live blog situation here. I have 3 minutes now until I have to get back to my job, if only you knew how much I wish this was my actual job.

I make it through to my next break, I nick a cigarette from one of my friends and head outside for 15 minutes of peace, I call Aaron quickly, it's starting to become quite a draining day, I've worked on a lot of content in the last 24h and I'm starting to get a case of writers block. I have a lot of half finished posts because I have ideas in the middle of my ideas! I decide to take the last bit of my shift to really focus on work and in quiet moments, my book.

Finally it has come to the time I can actually leave work, I get myself packed up and literally run to the station, FREEEEDOM! I hop the train to B's house and try desperately to remember my way to hers, I need to bring a bottle of something but I don't have ID, luckily I get a corner shop man who doesn't give a shit. I pick up a couple of bottles of shitty wine because I am being a cheapskate this week, B is in the same struggle, I literally got paid on Friday and I am JUST about going to tide my way through the rest of the week! I get to her house and see I as well who just got back from a nice trip to the states, we spend the evening catching up with each other, I leave at around 11pm and slyly spend money I don't have on an uber, but her house is about 20mins from mine so it wont be too expensive.

I get indoors, get changed into some pj's, take my before shots, wash my face and try my new Mario Badescu drying lotion, my fingers and toes are crossed to see how this looks in the morning, at the moment, I look like I have been shat on by multiple pigeons. I go to bed hopeful...

All up in my feelings: social media

Social media is dangerous.

It allows strangers to exude strangeness.

Neither conscience or consequence come into question here.

Where a positive comment to remind people of their morals leaves you humiliated and in fear.

I find the antics of this side of human nature.

To not work in anybodies favour.

We are all equal here.

This is a fact forgotten by many.

Even more so when they start their running commentary.

I've made a decision to distance myself as I can no longer handle the pressure of feeling I need to speak up for the world.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, that part, joking, just on my Kanye soapbox (good song by the way, a current favourite, but I have an unnatural obsession with ScHoolboy Q, shh!) but in seriousness to all my fabulous readers out there, although my above words might make me feel and sound like a mediocre poet, there is a message hiding in plain sight there. People we need to do better, whether it's a post on the Kardashians or Syria, hurtful words are just hurtful, hateful comments are just hateful, what on earth is the point in saying something mean for the sake of it? I know for damn sure your parents or family would have taught you if you have nothing nice to say keep it to yourself, sure I rolled my eyes at mumzy for years but now I am a bit older, she was absolutely right. So lets keep it real, get ready for a bit of a rude awakening...

Firstly, why the fuck would I waste my time trying to bring someone else down? I am only mean to you if you are mean to me and before I throw and shade back, I try to find forgiveness first. I wont say anything behind someones back that I wouldn't say to their face and if I'm saying the badness to your face, I am most likely doing it for your own good.

Secondly, when we are looking at more serious matters such as Syria, how can you even look at yourself as a decent human being when you're spewing hate? It's actually disgusting, put yourself in their shoes. What the fuck else are they going to do in that situation? All these people who talk shit on these things are the worst type of pussies, fucking keyboard warriors, it makes me physically sick, keep your hate in your own poisoned mind. Imagine that, talking shit about something you never have and never will experience with your comfortable life, what's that sound? Oh its IGNORANCE, I have no time for ignorant people and funnily enough neither does the rest of the population, please kindly see yourself out. 

Thirdly, have you not got anything better to do with your time? Like seriously, need I extend this point any further than this question? 

People lets place nicely, lets send messages of kindness and not demonise people who stand up and represent that, it is not 'cool' to be a bully or an arsehole, whats cool is being a nice fucking human being. It is a short post but I think you get my point and I'm sure this wont be the last time I post on such matters. As always thank you for reading, I have a diary entry coming soon so stay tuned, it will be up tomorrow! Big massive love, fuck the haters!

Diary of a 23 year old nobody: 01/08/16- 07/08/16

1st August 2016

My alarm goes off at 4:30am, I snooze until 5:50am, I'm so exhausted, even more so than usual, not one part of me wants to go to work, also it's Aarons day off and I really miss having proper time with him. I did contemplate calling in because I can barely move for exhaustion but I force myself out of bed and into the shower. I get ready, I still don't feel 100% but I feel a bit better than I did before. I'm so tired I get a bus to the station, go to Greggs because I didn't have time to make breakfast so I have a toastie from there. I bump into the same homeless guy I saw yesterday and he asks me for change, I feel awful but I don't usually carry cash so I rarely have change. I ask if he will be there tomorrow and say if he is I will give him a bit of change to get something to eat or I'll get him something from Greggs, he says theres a cashpoint 2 seconds away, I'm not being funny but if I don't withdraw cash for myself I'm definitely not going to withdraw cash for someone else. I explain my train is here but I promise if I see him tomorrow I will sort him out with something to eat.

I get on my train realising this whole time I had a toastie, granted it was for me but I could've just given it to him, it didn't even cross my mind, now I feel double guilt. I get into to work and get logged in and start taking calls, from 8am until 4pm it was non stop. I wonder where people find the time? Anyway I started making plans with Aaron at lunchtime to go to Epsom to see our friends J & R and some other people, when I left work I called him and said I'll head to Waterloo to start making my way and I'll call him once I'm there. I couldn't have been on the tube any longer than 20 minutes, when I get to Waterloo I call him and he tells me him and the boys are going to someone else's house and that he will see me at home.

I'm royally fucked off, I just spent £5 I don't really have, to come to Waterloo which is a station I cant even get a direct route home from for literally no reason. I go to Boots, I know they sometimes stock NYX products and I wanted to see if they had the liquid lipsticks that's one way I can cheer myself up. They don't have it, of course, but they do have them in Croydon so I'll probably go tomorrow if I can be bothered. I do a consultation with the Liz Earle counter as I need some new skincare products, I get a free sample, I'm well chuffed because I can properly test the waters now before investing in it. I call my grandma and catch up with her for a bit, I call K as I know she finishes work around this time and I'm probably going to be in Battersea for a bit so if she's around it would be nice to see her. Me and K meet each other at Waterloo and hop on a train to Clapham Junction.

She said she didn't have long because she was supposed to go for a run so we decide to grab a cheeky drink before, we go to the Slug and Lettuce, it's the closest place to us, we get a bottle of rose prosecco, rose is not a good drink for me, I feel it so much the next day and I've no idea why, but we have that and order some food, we both twin and get sausage and mash. Our friend M comes to meet us for a little bit and we have a nice drink and catch up with each other, we cut the evening short because K still has to go for her run, she is definitely braver than me, it's pissing rain outside!

I get on the train to head back to Croydon, I'm not gonna lie once the fresh air hit me I started to feel a little tipsy and it felt damn good for once to not be in complete control. I called Aaron to find out where he was, he said he was literally just getting indoors now, our friend Y is coming over for a bit. We chatted until I got to East Croydon, all the while someone's alarm was going off on their phone, literally, 15 minutes solid, it was SO annoying, what made it worse is it's the alarm I use to wake up, so for about 5 minutes I kept taking the phone from my ear and checking it wasn't me because I was cussing out whoever it was and I didn't want to shame myself on the train when it's busy.

I got off the train and tried to call my other surrogate L, but she works in a pub so I know she's probably busy, I try to call my friend C because I need to make a plan with her really soon it's been far too long, her phone goes to voicemail. I call my other friend C and chat with him for the walk home, I contacted him last week asking if he was around for a drink this coming Friday, he replied and I forgot to text back as per. We had a really good catch up and we make the plan to meet on Friday a bit more official. I get back to my block, I have a chat with our security guy S, best concierge/security ever he literally brightens my day when they've been tough, he's always ready with a high five for everyone who comes in the building and he is brilliant with all the kids too.

I get upstairs and give Aaron and Y a hug and get comfortable, I have another drink, whoopsie anyone would think it wasn't a Monday and that I didn't have work tomorrow, we have a nice chilled evening. Y has work tomorrow too so he makes a move but not before reliving some of the 2009 dubstep days, redeye goes on real quick! I stay up with Aaron for a little bit once Y has left and have a bit more drink, all in all though I still have an early night and am in bed before midnight.

2nd August 2016

I wake up at 4am normally, but my stupid head tells me to try and sleep a bit more, I wake up at 6am groggy with half an hour to get ready and leave my house. I get showered and dressed and walk to the bus stop, I'm being lazy again and getting the bus today. I get to the station and go to Greggs for a sausage roll and orange juice, I'm feeling feeble. The homeless guy wasn't there today so I guess I'll just keep a hold of the change I got for him in case I see him later. I get to work and get logged in, I struggle all the way through to lunch, not really much else to report on the work front.

I went to Nando's with my friend S for lunch, I tell you I felt a million times better with some proper food in me. We had a really nice lunch and I met one of her friends too, when we came out, it was pissing down with rain, S readjusted her shoe situation to try and keep her feet from getting too wet and we walked back over to the office. I was a couple minutes late back from my lunch so I scrambled to get logged in but it was a little bit quieter through the afternoon which helped me nurse myself back to a semi normal state.

I just realised I'm on a late shift on Friday, I cant meet C for a drink at 4, is that even a good idea after how I am feeling at the moment? I'll need to text him. While were on the subject I message my other friend S, I was supposed to see her today but I feel awful and I really need sleep, I text her explaining I have been super irresponsible and am paying for my actions. She's fine about it, so I can put my mind at ease, I just need to get through work and get home.

Eventually I escape work and start making my way back to the comfort of my bed, I get the tube part way with my friend T, I get off and jump on a train back to Croydon. I call Aaron on my way home and ask him if he can make dinner today, I ask for this olive/tomato pasta dish, similar to the one I tried to make last week, he asks me to grab the missing ingredients and he will cook it. I head to Tesco's once I reach Croydon and grab all the necessary bits and bobs were missing, plus stuff for breakfast tomorrow, I really do not want to go anywhere tomorrow. I also buy a magazine purely for the free gift, not a thing that happens often, but its a free gift from Benefit and it's a clear brow gel which is something I could actually do with at the moment.

I get back indoors and hand the food shopping over to Aaron, while he is making dinner I get changed into my pj's and chill on the couch for a bit, he sorts the laundry out as well as the food, he knows I'm exhausted and he had today off. We eat dinner then settle down in front of a bit of TV, Netflix wasn't working for some reason, I don't know if its my TV or if its my Netflix subscription (which mum pays for, we all share). I drift off relatively quickly but I remember before dozing off, being so, so glad to be in bed and not need to get up early tomorrow.

3rd August 2016

I wake up, I don't even know when because today I don't need to care, it's FINALLY my day off! I plan to spend as much of my day chilling as physically possible, I'm really tired and I need to get some proper rest. Before I can properly relax I need my space to be clean and tidy so I spend most of my late morning/ early afternoon doing that. I make myself boiled eggs and soldiers and prep dinner for me and Aaron so when he gets back he doesn't have to do anything.

The rest of the day I spend on my bed or couch, lounging upside down watching YouTube.

When 4pm rolls around I decide its time to be productive so I have a long bath, give my skin a nice scrub with a homemade coconut oil, honey and sugar scrub, I shave, wash my hair and give myself a mini facial, before moisturizing and getting into some fresh pj's, I blow dry my hair and get comfy once again. When Aaron gets home I cook us both dinner and we repeat the same routine as last night, still no Netflix, what is going on?! I go to sleep peacefully knowing I have a late start tomorrow.

4th August 2016

I wake up at 6am today, so much for that late start, but at least I wake up on my own time. I chill in bed for a little while, Aaron calls me to give me a heads up that there are travel disruptions and my usual route isn't running because of a sink hole. Really? In England? I chat away with him until he gets to work and gradually drag myself out of bed, I make my bed and head to the kitchen for breakfast. I make myself more boiled eggs and soldiers, now I have figured out how to cook it like mum does I eat this all the time! Obviously it's not as perfect but it's good enough. I set my plate down and watch some reruns while I eat, I contemplate what time to leave to get to work on time, look up journeys and as per it says mine are fine, I just know when I get to the station its going to be a different story.

I get showered and dressed, clean my mess from the morning and pack my stuff for work, I take the rubbish out and walk to the station early, maybe 40mins earlier than usual. I get to the station and surprise my service that I use isn't running, but, it's not the end of the world, I have extra time. I grab myself something to eat because for some reason I'm still super hungry, get down to my platform and wait for a different service, one that goes to London Bridge, I get on what I think is my train, but no, it not, its actually a London Victoria train because their services have also been disrupted, I get back on the platform and wait ANOTHER 15mins, get on my train and end up stopping and starting continuously to London Bridge. By the time I get to London Bridge I should have already had my arse parked at my desk and I'm starting to lose the will of even wanting to go in, its taken over 2 hours in total to get to here at I'm not even at my final destination. I decide to suck it up and go to work, I end up getting in 25mins late and frazzled.

I let a manager know I am finally here and get logged in and start taking calls, I start working my way through the queue until I get a moment of silence, God it's so rare and golden. I go down for a cigarette in my break and sort out a case I got a call in regard to on Tuesday, I promised I would call her back today. I get back on the phones and it's seemingly the same thing over and over today. Eventually lunch comes and I catch up with my friend T, I head downstairs for a smoke, I don't eat anything, in hindsight this wasn't a great idea now I feel really sick. I get back on the phones and work through until home time, I wish I had something more interesting to fill this work day with but unfortunately I just don't, I was over today already from yesterday hahaha.

4 minutes until the end of my shift, phone call roulette begins, am I going to get stuck behind? Who knows... This is the worst part of the day, so nerve wracking unless you had a case that requires you staying in after call and you can wing it through. I get a call btw, so pissed.

I start pondering how the hell I'm going to get home and pray that my usual route will be up and running again.

My usual route is not up and running again, I get to London Bridge and desperately search for a train going to Croydon that isn't cancelled. I'm starving as well, after about 20mins of running round different areas of the station I find a train, I head over to the platform and plonk myself on a seat at the front. There's still 10 minutes until this train leaves, I wish I utilised this time more effectively and brought some food, but I didn't so I wait. My train eventually leaves, it takes so, so long to get home but some highlights of the journey were catching up with my God brother C who I haven't spoken to for ages, seeing a lady cooking in her bra (and wishing I could telepathically tell her EVERYONE on the train can see her, just for future reference you know), having some nostalgia as my train went through Streatham and having my friend B ask me about KUWTK (usually I am judged for my love of the Kardashians, fuck it actually while I'm here I love Kanye too, YEAH I said it).

At around 21:40 I arrive in Croydon, I feel like I might faint that's how hungry I am, I ask Aaron if he is hungry he says no so I just grab some chips from some chicken shop that I don't trust the chicken from, hence why I only ever buy chips from there. I walk out the last part of my journey in solitude because my phone battery dies, probably because I have spent the last 14% of it on snapchat talking shit about Croydon smelling like a shitty arsehole. Don't judge I live there I know, it smells horrible and if your from or live round there, don't even try and lie to yourself, you know it smells like batty.

I get indoors, literally strip to my bra, pants, tights and shoes, I know, I was hot and hungry I was rushing, I sat in my undergarments and shoes eating for a good 20 minutes before getting into my pj's. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and literally jumped into bed, I also told my bed how much I love it, even if it gives me all sorts of back problems.

5th August 2016

I wake up bright and early today, 6am, I decide today I'm going to leave extra early to make sure I don't end up in the same situation as yesterday, I shower, brush my teeth and get dressed. I grab my work stuff plus something I need to return to Zara and head out of my house at around 9am. I walk up to the high street, check the trains, which coincidentally are running fine today (no need for me to leave this early), Zara still isn't open. I head to Boots to buy some of the Liz Earle products, I am actually obsessed, I buy a starter kit which has 4 full sized products and two face cloth's, it was £45 but not too bad considering individually each product is around £15-25, I also brought 2 nyx soft matte lip cream's £56 down before 10am, jeeze. I walk back over to Zara and i's still not open, so I decide to pop to Primark for a bit, I wanted to get some home stuff (hangers) but I literally brought everything but that, well not everything but a couple of jumpers a dress and a vest/body thing, I walk slowly over to Zara again and at long last it is open, I return my items and on my way out notice a really cool skirt for a fiver in the sale that would be perfect for work, I also see a white version of the top I am wearing today and grab them.

Finally it is edging closer to the time I can actually get my train, I grab a Mc Donalds breakfast and immediately regret it, I'm so hungry and I'm not in the mood for it anymore so the thought of it is making me feel more sick. I eat it anyway just before I get on my train, I don't mind people eating on the train but I know some people don't appreciate it. I get the train and arrive to work an HOUR early, there's really not a lot for me to do where I work so I have a cigarette catch up with my friends downstairs and head up with about 30mins until I have to be logged in. I catch up with my team and get a couple compliments on my attire for the day, I grab a coffee and some water and log in at my desk ready to start taking calls.

Today is crazy busy and then eerily quiet then crazy busy again, it's very confusing. Eventually lunch time rolls around after much deliberation I opt for cucumber and avocado sushi with a couple of fried prawn rolls from Wasabi and a caramel frappe from Starbucks. I make my way through my lunch and get back on the phones, I contemplate my life very deeply for about an hour, I really don't think I'm cut out for this whole customer service thing I don't know if it's me or if it's them but obviously I'm doing something to piss people off when they start randomly popping off at me for trying to help. It's a struggle but I'll keep it up as long as I can. I finally reach break time so I head down for another cigarette, I contemplate whether or not I am going to go out tonight as I had planned to see my friend C, I let him know already that I finish late today, I haven't heard anything back but now I also have a shit tonne of clothes shopping to carry home which certainly makes drinking at a pub on Friday a little bit trickier than usual, but I'll see how I go, maybe I can go for one, although that never happens, I'm blatantly a closet alcoholic. 

I'm exhausted from work I don't think I'm actually going to make it for this drink, plus I have so much to do tomorrow do I really want to be hanging out of my arsehole? I go to get the train home with all of my goodies and decide I need to do a proper clear out of all of my stuff tomorrow because things are piling up, I'm going to do another house cleanse I really want to get back to basics, there are too many things I am holding onto. Anyway when I walk to the station I call my friend to cancel, that goes exactly the other way as he tells me they have disbanded ANOTHER team, I know I don't work there anymore but I always keep in the loop, plus he has had a bit of bad news recently so I want to make sure he is okay.

I make my way to Highbury & Islington and walk up to The Horatia, C is outside with R and I haven't seen R in easily over a year! We head inside and I am greeted by more familiar faces that I haven't seen in months. I get myself a drink, double Jäger and Coke, obviously, thanks sister L for putting me on to this drink and caramel coffee based frappes at Starbucks, I set all my shit down and the table and catch up with all the gossip, time passes really quickly and the bar staff let us know they were closing early, to be fair for a Friday it was DEAD quiet, I was exhausted anyway so I was good to go.

We walked up to Holloway Road station and got the tube to Kings Cross we changed onto the Victoria line to head to Stockwell. When we got onto the platform we bumped into more friends, N, D and M, I haven't seen these three for at least a year, I was so pleased to run into them, we caught up on the tube and both or groups were heading in different directions so we parted ways at Stockwell, we need to do something soon guys if you're reading this, you know who you are!

Anyway me and C went to Clapham, I decided I would head back to his for a little bit I haven't been to his for a while and I LOVE his house, we decided to just chill for a bit and then I would get a cab back, my battery was super low and I didn't want it to die on my way home if I was on my own. When I got there, I totally forgot that another friend S was living there now. We all chilled watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics and caught up for a bit. It got to around 2:45-3am ish when I actually decided to make a move, I couldn't charge my phone as I forgot my charger, so I didn't want my battery to die and I would have to wait until real life morning to leave. I got an uber home, washed my face and brushed my teeth before snuggling up to Aaron and falling asleep.


6th August 2016

Aaron leaves for work at 5:30am, so I wake up early but I do go back to sleep until around 9am ish, when I wake up I start working on decluttering, but I'm so tired the will do to it dies quickly and I just about manage to declutter my makeup drawer and bathroom shelves. I make a fish finger sandwich for breakfast because I'm currently living that I haven't gone food shopping for ages life. I mooch around for a lot of the day, try a new make up look I didn't like on me, just trying to kill time because I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I text a friend to ask if they were around to help me sort something out, he invited me out to one of his friends gig, I decided I would go as its not far from my house and also I haven't seen Y or G for ages anyway.

I get showered and dressed, whack my hair in a bun, put some mascara on and set my brows in a total of 15 minutes, so I don't wanna hear no more shit from ANYONE about girls taking forever to get ready. I pack a bag and get myself out the door, I grab some tobacco from the shop and my favourite sweet drink, its lemonade but it's proper, its like sparkling water with lemon, lime and mint, it tastes like a mojito without the alcohol, its lush! I jump on a 109 and head towards Brixton, I get off the bus near the prison, withdraw some cash and walk down to the venue. I try to call Aaron to let him know I probably won't speak with him later because I'll be out, I can't get through so I send a text asking him to text me when he finishes so I'll can move somewhere quiet to catch up with him.

I pay to get in and try and find Y. Out of nowhere I hear someone say my name except its a girls voice, I did see a couple of people I knew might be here, I turn around to find my friend K, except this K is one I haven't seen since I left school, I ask what she's doing here, her partner is in the band my friend is in, how has it been this long and I didn't even put two and two together?! I tell Y to grab me a drink Jäger and Coke again, I missed the set unfortunately, but I give G a half hug, introduce myself to K's boyfriend D and head outside, I meet G's girlfriend, I am amazed I have never met her before, I think I saw her at a party once upon a time, but we get to chatting about Cyprus, we've basically all been at some point this year. We grab some food, K comes out to the table, we talk for a couple hours, I don't even know, but there's a lot to catch up on. Eventually the sunshine disappears and we enter the evening, out of nowhere my friend F shows up at the table, I ain't seen this bishh in a hot second, the SOUL SISTAS are reunited, she's with her friend B, such a nice girl it was my first time meeting her but she was just lovely.

I needed to catch up with F, she has some big news and a lot has changed since I last saw her we waffled for about an hour or so, I went in to get a drink with B, came back out and talked to B and K for most the evening. Everyone started making moves to leave, it ended up being me, Y, F and B, the last ones standing. I caught up with Y as there's been some serious drama popping off recently. It took an hour and a half of waiting for uber prices to drop before I could make a move, but we got caught in some nostalgia of times we used to hang out when we were growing up, eventually it reached about 2:45-3am again and I decided I needed to leave, thing is I know if I stayed out I would have a wicked night but that's not the type of night I came out for in the first place. I'd rather leave with a good memory of the evening instead of getting completely turnt and losing tomorrow as well.

I gave everyone some love and hugs and I ducked out in an uber, which I ended up paying higher fare on anyway (pissed), I got home to be greeted by some well dressed tramp taking a piss outside my block like I live in ends, this is a fancy block with security and all, I cussed him out for being so nasty, I've no qualms usually but he came from the party across the road which is in a hall/restaurant/bar, what's wrong with toilets then fam? If there's a problem piss on the side of the road you were on don't come outside my crib with your nastiness.

Anyway, I headed upstairs and crawled into bed, so much space, Aaron stayed at his mums tonight. I watched some TV for a bit, the Olympics, ergh, I'm over it already. I turn the TV off and go to sleep.

7th August 2016

I hear my phone going off, it's 6am, it's Aaron, I speak with him for about an hour about the evening, I'm guessing, I was like half asleep, but he has to go into work so we hang up and I go back to sleep, I officially rise from my ashes at 11am ish. I want pizza, I'm so hungry I ate barely anything last night, I'm so exhausted that I can't actually stand for longer than a couple of minutes, overworked is an understatement. Although I've broken my own pact with myself regarding going through of my stuff, I know I just need to rest today. I doze for a bit longer and once I wake properly I order myself a pizza.

I start my day officially by putting a wash on and counting my cash, £26, not ideal but it could be much worse. I straighten up the house and get back into bed, messy space = messy mind. My pizza arrives after about 40 minutes, longer than usual but I set myself up with a bit of TV and food. To be entirely honest with you I haven't done anything today to write about, I wanted to go out today but I know I need to rest in order to get through this week without feeling like I want to end my life, dramatic yes but true. Genuinely, I find it very difficult to cope with my day to day life, I know I'm getting fucked over on a daily by the people at 'the top' that doesn't affect some people, for me it's all I think about, how is it fair? How does this run? How did this happen? How fucked is it that these people do not understand that their thoughtlessness affects millions of us? How them standing with us could improve not only their lives but ours too? Anyway enough of that I don't want you to join me in my sinking ship of sadness at the world.

I write a list of stuff to do tomorrow morning before work that I couldn't (didn't) get done today. Aaron calls me when he has finished work, he bumped into my grandma (Mimi for future reference) and her friend C, they had a nice little chat and he went on to his mums. In this time I now had to myself I started working more on my blog, I've got a lot of content building, a lot of different styles of writing I'm working on, in all honestly I feel I've lost my touch, but maybe that's down to the fact my primary subject is me, it's quite difficult to write about yourself on a day to day basis, I feel my life is so boring, but, I'm not going to lie and make it seem really exciting when I'm just your average person. As I said I'll always keep it feel with you guys and as boring as my life may be right now, I don't know what it will be in future I think this for me is about growth, to be able to look back and read all my diary entries and have all of my memories like a story, I don't know, it's cheesy but I quite like the idea of it, I like documenting my life.

Aaron calls back and we chat for about 45mins, he has a really early start for work tomorrow so we don't elongate the call too much, I really, really miss him though, I know it's only been two days but honestly once you live with someone, sometimes even going to work is a challenge, I love our love and I adore being in his presence, he is more than important to me. I tell him I'm excited that I'll get to see him tomorrow and wish him sweet dreams and just like that, I'm alone with my thoughts again. One good thing I have been doing on my days off is not watching TV 24/7, but at the same time, I feel with my brain sometimes it's best I'm not left alone with my thoughts for too long, I feel it can be detrimental to my mental wellbeing because it is so easy to get trapped in a cycle of negativity particularly in this world we live in.

I wash my face and brush my teeth before getting into bed with pizza, I refuse to get comfortable as I will need to get up to brush my teeth again but for the time being this will do. By the way, I sit in my bed all the time because I live in a studio flat and my sofa is about as comfortable as a bed of nails, just wanted you guys to know I'm not a slob (I am). I finish my food, clean up, brush my teeth and get back into bed, I'm starting my day early tomorrow and I want to be fresh and capable when I wake up tomorrow, I have a lot I have swept under the rug that needs to be sorted out.