18th July 2016
I had such an uncomfortable nights sleep yesterday, my tummy is just giving me so much grief. I feel anxious as well because I know I need today off but I also have my training and I don't want to miss out. I spend much of my early morning panicking, I start feeling sick and try to relax then start panicking again. I try to get ready, iron my clothes, shower. In the shower I almost collapse from exhaustion, I haven't eaten properly for 2 days now. Just bland foods to stop myself getting any worse, it's hot as hell outside and I'm so dehydrated. I rinse off and wrap myself in a towel. I brush my teeth, moisturise and slump on the bed. My head is spinning and my feet are dead. I can't force myself to go in. I do not feel good at all. But my training, my training, I call in and ask to speak to a manager, I explain the situation and try and figure out a resolution, the manager tells me to take the day off and not to stress myself out about my training, we should be able to do it another time. I follow her advice. I get changed back into comfortable clothes and try to sleep more. I try and try but to no avail, my body is starving, I pull a dress on and take a slow walk to the supermarket. I grab some Turkish bread it's the only thing I can look at that doesn't make me feel like I'm going to hurl, walking back down to the house past all the butchers makes my body convulse, it's almost enough to put me off meat for life. Not much else happened today, I headed to Clapham to go to the doctors but there were no appointments, I was too tired to head home so I went to Aaron's mums house. I sit outside for an hour or so, the weather is stunning, it is so nice to see a bit of sun grace the UK with its presence and having its glory shine upon me makes me feel so elated, but the heat, it makes me feel so much worse, so bad I have to go indoors and rest in the house, the twisting corridor lets a wonderful breeze wind its way through the house, it is like a cool summer night inside. Eventually I pick myself up, pack my things and Aaron and I get a cab back home, when we get in we get ready for bed. As usual I straighten up the house a little bit and fall asleep shortly afterwards, I cannot sleep in a messy space.
19th July 2016
My body feels so rested. I sleep in today and everytime I wake up my body finally allows me to fall back into slumber. Thank goodness, this is all I've needed this whole time, I need to make an effort to eat well today and drink plenty of water. I call in to work today and advise I won't make it in, my tummy is still angry with me and I still don't know why. I've cancelled my plans for Portsmouth, I don't feel well enough to go and I need to go back to work asap I cannot afford to be sick at the moment, imagine this is our life, this is what we work hard for, to get ill from overworking ourselves, but never being able to fully recover because we have to go back to work before we are ready to ensure we don't lose our stability. I am passionate about writing I want to make a career in writing, yet the only time I have spare to invest is late hours in the evening and early hours in the morning, the curse of creativity... "Freedom". Back to Portsmouth, I will make it up to K, she's such a good friend I'm very worried about disappointing her and all I want right now is to have some time with her. To be honest, I'm really annoyed I can't go, I'm annoyed with myself, but I don't feel good and I almost always feel guilty taking time off when I'm sick, I know I'm anxious, I know I will be stressing constantly if I am there. I prop myself up with my laptop and a light breakfast and start working on my blog, I have some more different stuff coming up. I head back down to Clapham to try and see if my GP can get me in today, still no appointments, it's really getting on my nerves now because I need to get my pill as well, I thought if I went down there I could at least sort that out. They have nothing tomorrow as well but advise I can call at 8am and 3pm to see if I can get an emergency appointment, but everyone calls at 8 & 3 so I never get through. I head over to Aaron's mums again, the house is quiet and cool, it's so exhausting getting back home and I can't really afford a cab today especially knowing this is the second day I have had to take off of work. I manage to eat some flatbread and a little bit of lamb before heading downstairs for a nap, rather than waking me up Aaron curls up next to me a couple of hours later and we spend the night there.
20th July 2016
I wake up to the light being flicked on, Aaron is getting ready for work, I completely forgot I was here. He asks how I am, I murmer, the same just less nausea. I pass out for another hour or so before I get a call, he always calls when he reaches work while he's walking in. I do not have the energy to speak, he tells me I need to rest and he will speak with me later. I text my colleague and try the GP again- still no appointments, I fall asleep for a few more hours. Eventually I reluctantly drag myself from bed 11:30am (unusual, I must be tired), I brush my teeth, wash myself and get dressed, I call my grandma and ask if I can stay with her as I want to keep trying to get an appointment, she tells me to come over when I'm ready. I call work to tell them to cancel the leave booked for Portsmouth as I'll be back in tomorrow, I cannot take anymore time as much as I need to. I chat with Aarons mum in the morning for a couple of hours and get the bus to my grandmas, the thought of walking in this heat makes me feel even worse than I already do.
When I arrive at my grandmas, she prepares me soup, she knows I havent been able to eat properly for the last few days, I get about halfway through the bowl before I admit defeat. I just cant do it, the combination of weather and nausea is making it very difficult for me to eat anything, this is strange for me, I always find space for food. My grandma drives me to my house to pick up some fresh clothes and on the way back we stop off at a corner shop in Norbury to pick up some Lays crisps, we all know they're the best. I speak with my mum who is currently interning with a family member, she's a bit flustered so we agree to catch up another time. Me and my grandma continue our drive back to Clapham, I can finally enjoy the weather without the heat, the joys of aircon! When we arrive back I make myself a Lays crisp sandwich, basically at the moment I am surviving off of bread, I can't eat anything else. Later in the evening I walk down to Aaron's mums, I promised I would grab her some loo roll earlier, I brought a few rolls from my house, we have loads. I sit with Aaron for a couple of hours and we chat about our future, kids and all of that, it's weird not going home together or seeing eachother at home after work, but I like it, it reminds me of when we first started going out. We had some food, I ate, you guessed, more bread! I walked in my flip flips down there all my other shoes are too hot, this will never happen again I hate feet. plus I scraped my foot bad, and got a blister on the inside of my toe, so not ideal. I actually comtemplated taking an Uber up the road for a good 20 minutes, pure pain or pure laziness? I didnt sucumb to temptation, I got the bus back to my grandmas, when I got in there was food waiting, she had cooked me some spaghetti and spinach. I wolfed it down, I love just simple, simple food and flavours. This is the only thing I have been able to eat properly #progress! My grandma and I were sat together, she was watching something on her tablet and I was dribbling on myself half asleep, I decided to get ready for bed and head into the spare room, I love it here, its so dark and quiet, nothing like my house. I fall asleep as usual when I'm here, really easily.
21 July 2016
I. Can't. Sleep. I woke up at 2am, I woke up at 3am, I woke up at 5am, my alarm went off at 6:30am, how can a night start so peacefully and end up so chaotic? I spoke to Aaron, he wished me luck on going back to work and asked how I'm feeling... At this stage I dont know anymore, I'm hungry, I'm tired, I havent gone for a shit for 2 days, my skins bad, I'm grumpy. I want to be positive but I cannot muster the energy to do it. He offers me some reassuring words for the day and tells me to rest a bit more, I dont start until 12 I dont need to be up this early. I set an alarm for 8am so I can call the GP again, the time passes so quickly before the next alarm, I'm first in the queue to speak to the GP, they have appointments at 11:10, 11:20, 11:30, 11:40, 11:50, sods law, none of these work for me. I'll be on the train to work by then, I ask if they have anything tomorrow, she says no, I ask about Saturday, again no, I ask about Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, still nothing, I have to call at 8am or 3pm to get an emergency appointment. It's ridiculous, I feel for them but at the same time it's insane, this is a doctors surgery, not an exclusive restuarant with a 2 month waiting list, I need to see a doctor I am unwell. I give up on the appointment and ask how I can get a prescription for my pill without coming in, she tells me to make a request online and it should be ready by next week, I come off the phone and fill in the form online. I want to sleep more but I need to get myself alive, ready and awake for work.
I head upstairs to shower and get ready, once I'm dressed I set about forcing myself to have breakfast, surprise, surprise I opt for toast (a bigger bread obsession is forming) and a cup of jasmine green tea. Me and my grandma have a chat about work before I set off and I ask if I can stay again tonight, she is more than happy for me to do so, before I leave I have a small coffee then I run to the station because I left the house late! I make it to the station with 30 seconds to get to my platform, I accept defeat gracefully and decide to go a different route, I use my extra time to pick up my lunch. I pop to M&S, I'm treating myself so I get a small mexican style bean salad and some sweet potato crisps, cashews and carrot and orange juice. I hop on a train to Waterloo and start my journey to Greenwich. En route I call my recruitment company as I need to arrange some holiday pay to cover the time I've been ill as I wouldn't qualify for sick pay just yet, she manages to sort it out for me just before I get down to the tube station at Waterloo. While heading down the escalator I text Aaron to say I love him and I wish him a great day. The tube arrives in minutes and I begin my last leg of the journey to Greenwich. Upon arrival I remember I need to pick up some pads, ladies you know the drill towards the end of the time of the month. I go to the chemist to grab them, £2.69! It's outrageous, this isn't something my body does for fun you know... Anyway, I get into the office and am warmly greeted by my colleagues, I put my stuff in the locker, give J the pencil case I had promised her and head over to my desk and log in to the system, it's official, Liza is back in the building.
Today was a long day, absolutely exhausting to be honest with you. The majority of people I spoke to today were really aggressive, they must be pissed off that our 3 day summer is over, I try not to carry the stress home with me. I head to the station to get the train and call Aaron to let him know I'll be in Clapham tonight, he's going to be at his mum's so I tell him I'll pop round for a bit, but I wont stay too late. I try to call my mum but her phone is just ringing and ringing I try again, it's still just ringing and ringing, all of a sudden I hear "hello!", hello? I reply, I know that's not my mum's voice, maybe it's her friend, it's not. The woman on the phone explains my mum left her phone on the train and she didn't want to leave it with station staff because they seemed like they weren't going to help get the phone back, the woman explained she a has a 2 year old and my mum's wallpaper has a picture of baby, she said she wanted to make sure it got back to the right person, she gave me her number and told me to pass it on so they could arrange getting it back to my mum. I thanked her about 20 times before we hung up, what an absolute angel, it's not often things like this happen in London, now I need to locate my mum, I need to get cousin C's number even though I was sure I had it on my phone, I don't have it so I try and call uncle M, no answer, I try my grandma she doesn't have it, I try my uncle K, he answers AND he's got the number and texts it to me #livesaver. I call maybe 5-6 times, send 2 texts and call again, finally mum answers, she tells me she's called the woman and she knows who it was who picked up her phone, she said the lady was talking to her kid about chips and asking what he sauce he would have, he said ketchup, she added 'and mayonnaise, then you can mix them together and have a nice sauce', I know mum silently agreed with her in her mind, this woman knows the sauce laws. Anyway mum has to go so I tell her I love her and I'll speak to her soon.
I get to Aaron's mums, she asks me how to get to this event she is working on, I look it up and tell her the route, I also teach her how to use Google maps sp on the actual day she's not stuck. I head downstairs to the garden and embrace my Aaron, I miss him so much! I miss being back home with him, we talk about our days at work and some interesting things we've seen/read today, he tells me about a video on YouTube that seems to put forward a plausible argument about another planet coming really close to the planet Earth, supposedly in the next 3-10 years it will be so close, it will be disrupting the gravitational pull, sounds crazy, but it does actually make sense when it's explained. I explain how I read about Harry Potter books being sold for up to £400,000 and that we need to search the house when we get home because we need a break! I slump over and say I wish I could just work with you, just the two of us being able to have a business would be amazing. We talk about putting a plan in motion and decide this year onto next is the time to do it, we've held back for a while now. I tell Aaron I need to go back to my Grandmas, we share a cheeky blueberry muffin in the kitchen. I say bye to his mum and to him, he asks me to call when I get back so he knows I'm safe. I walk to the bus stop, there are no buses for 5 minutes, the walk is 15 so I put my headphones in, put my phone in my bag and just take in my surroundings for a bit. For once, I feel so free... Ideas start flowing and I need to note them down, I pull my phone out of my bag and capture as much of my thought process as possible (blog post is coming soon by the way) once everything is noted, I put my phone away again.
I get indoors and heat myself a plate of food, mash potatoes, greens and gravy, my comfort foods. I call Aaron to let him know I'm safe and wish him a peaceful nights sleep, he does the same and tells me he will call in the morning. I watch a bit of television with my grandma, do the dishes and head upstairs to do my night time routine, once that's done I come back down and head to bed, my grandma runs in with a shot of this medicine that's supposed to make me shit and forces me to have it to help me clear my system of this lingering nausea. I fall asleep soon after.
22nd July 2016
My alarm goes off at 6:30 and Aaron calls, he can hear I'm tired from the get go and tells me to go back to sleep, I'm on early shifts next week so I really need to get my shit together. I snooze until 8am, at 8 I log into my online banking and sort all that faff out, £200 on credit card, rent is already done, the rest stays in the account for bills etc. I pour myself a massive glass of water and set myself up at the laptop to do some blog admin, no Internet, I move to the kitchen as it's not working on my phone either, I use grandmas tablet and get to work, I set an alarm for an hour. The hour passes quickly and I realise I need to get ready for work, I wash my hands, finish my water, pour another big glass and make myself some toast and green tea. My grandma calls me upstairs, I asked to borrow some tracksuits from her because I don't have any clothes and today is a casual day at work she throws them down to me... They look enormous but hopefully they're okay. I make my way through my breakfast, take myself upstairs to shower and get ready and head back down to try and make an outfit out of nothing. Eventually I look presentable enough that I can leave the house, I walk down to the station and stop off at M&S again to grab some lunch, what I had yesterday was really filling even though it was really small, I might start buying these and just keeping them in the house in case I don't have time to cook.
I catch my train, I go via Waterloo again #expensive but the overground is too infrequent from this station and the times it comes dont work for anyone! I contemplate buying more food at Waterloo, my appetite is coming back, thank God! I was starting to feel unlike myself, we all know I love my food. Despite that, I decide against buying anything, I've got food in my bag already, I smell Mc Donald's in the air and walk down to the tube smiling #mcdonaldsnostalgia. The tube was packed, now that I think about it, so was the train. I wonder if there is an event going on? That thought quickly disappears and I start thinking about going back to ballet classes, I'm losing all my tone on my body and I miss the discipline, I decide I'll look into it on the weekend. I finally reach Greenwich, I jump off the tube and run to work because I am cutting it WAYY too close to being late and since I've already been ill this week I don't want to take the piss.
Work is quiet-ish today, my hunger pangs were calmed by my friend J who happened to buy Krispy Kreme for the team, I'm not on the team anymore but in my heart I am, they're my babies! He offered me a doughnut, usually I say no because I dont like to have too much sugar, but today I go for the most exciting one I can see, its chocolatey, it tastes like it has oreos on it, its beautiful! Whats even more beautiful is I am really starting to feel better, bar my backside, it still feels like it may explode at any point, all very volatile. I need to get someone to get me some baccy I have no ID and the person at this shop always asks me for it, I'm sure I can locate somone to help a sister out. I roll the last rollie from my pouch and chuck the packet away, I count the seconds until my break and head down to smoke. I was a social smoker until I started working here, but I've cut down A LOT in the last few months because I didnt like the direction I was heading at all. I have one in my morning break, one at lunch and one in my afternoon break, if it's a bad day I might have one on my way in to work and one on the way home and of course if I go for a drink, unfortunately like many others I smoke like a chimney. I know 5 a day isn't as good as 0 a day, but its much better than what I was doing before.
I cannot wait to get home tonight, I cannot wait to see Aaron, in our own home, sleeping in our own bed, waking up in our own surroundings! I've loved this little break away but I am homesick and mansick, I miss my BABEHH! When we spoke yesterday we decided tonight we are ordering take out to welcome ourselves home, I feel like pizza, I bet you've guessed what my favourite food is, but I think we should get chinese, I feel like some black sesame ice cream., yes, I would order a whole meal just for dessert. On the topic of desserts, I dont think the doughnut was the best idea... I've got a heartburn feeling in my tummy, indigestion, is that you? I've only had half so I'm gonna wrap it up and see how I go and if I can finish it later.
This day is seriously dragging it is only 6:30pm and I feel like I've been in the office for 2 entire weeks. Everyone calling is seriously aggressive, I am not feeling being spoken to like a piece of shit for no reason, I get it, London is back to being shitty and like London again but come on man, I just work in customer service. I really cannot wait to get home and away from this place for a couple of days, anyone would think I hadn't had three days away already. I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow at the time my body wants to wake up, have a coffee, do some blogging and prep for my bigger plan (it's a secret for now), sort out my house, get some food in and do some cooking. Just a day to do what I want with no limitations because of poorlyness. I also reaaaaaaaally need to get my eyebrows done, but I am growing them out and they're filling in quite nicely, I might just pluck them for another week and see about getting them done next week. At this rate I might pick up shopping on my way in so I dont need to leave the house at all tomorrow #hermitforreal.
I finally escape work, I run for the train so I can get back as soon as possible. On my way in I pick up some food shopping in Lidl, I definitely do not want to leave the house tomorrow. Why does it always feel so light in the basket and so heavy in bags?! Don't answer, I know. After a walk home that feels like forever, where I have to stop every 3 minutes because I overestimated how much I could carry and dropped my cardigan twice and had to turn back and walk back each time to get it, I burst in through the front door like the incredible hulk, dripping with sweat. I run straight to the table because I can see my parcels have finally arrived! Oh and another 2 sorry I missed you cards, I HAVE A CONCIERGE, it's really annoying, Royal Mail are the only company that refuse to bring parcels to my door or leave them with a neighbour or the concierge. Anyway, I have 2 parcel's that have been delivered by delivery companies that understand the fundamental element of running a delivery service, which is actually delivering the parcels (that's for you Royal Mail). I go to collect my parcels, from Selfridges I have a normal sized parcel, from Zara, the parcel is about half the size of my bed, wtf, I only ordered 7 things!
I leave the boxes alone, I want open them tomorrow, Aaron and I have oven pizza and fruit for dinner (still not got the adulting down yet), by this point in the evening I'm exhausted, I change into some pjs (tshirt) brush my teeth and get into bed. Then all of a sudden and out of nowhere, Justin Bieber, oh Jesus, my worst nightmare a shitty houseparty. I cant close my windows in case Aaron and I overheat and die in our sleep, our house is the equivalent of a hot car when the sun comes out, so this how my day ends, too hot, forced to listen to Justin Bieber and extremely exhausted but not having an easy time getting to sleep.
PS: I didnt finish the doughnut.
23rd July 2016
Finally, I am free, I can do what I want. I wake up really early still because Aaron has work today, but I do drift back off, I wake up properly around 8-9am but I don't get up until about 10. When I do eventually rise I head over to the bathroom to go for a wee (as you do), as I go to wipe, I see something move in my bathroom. I wipe quickly and pull my pants up to protect myself (you know the drill, cant be fighting with no pants), I back away and see its a cockroach, a fucking cockroach! I'm fuming and the reason is not only because there is a cockroach in my fucking house! I'm fuming because this is a building problem cased by the next corridor down because they always leave rubbish and bags of food outside their houses, which looks and smells disgusting and causes heaps of problems. I'm fuming because I have taken upmost precaution at preventing this shit from invading my space. I try to catch this thing but it runs behind the cover of the bath, I am not about to move that shit in case there's more than one, I swear they can fly, I'm not about that bug life. I decide to try and bait it out, I close the door and turn out the lights, I leave a draft excluder under the door too, just to block it from climbing through any gaps. I email my landlord and ask what I should do. In the meantime I decide to do some life admin, I call royal mail to arrange redilevry of my items, for the 4th time in a row. I call British Heart Foundation to arrange a clothes collection from my house, I'm desperate to do a clearout! I clean the house, even under the bed and behind furniture, you need to do this at the very least every 6 months #cleanfreak. I go through all my stuff and move the suitcases under my bed to the foot so they aren't making my back crooked at night. I'm so itchy, my skin is crawling, its horrible knowing there is something lingering in your home, plus I'm scared to go in the bathroom!
I spend the rest of the day dancing and singing along to my favourite music, this is my favourite type of day, I didn't look at the TV once. I order a fan using argos same day delivery because it is absolutely baking and I'm too lazy to walk to Argos and carry it back. I take pictures of my parcels and contents, for some reason my phone wont save these pictures at all even though the pictures are being taken. I cannot be bothered at this moment in time to figure out what the problem is so I decide to make some food instead, a nice cous cous salad. I eat this and then wait (im)patiently for the fan to arrive.
I hear a ring on the buzzer, its the delivery guy, he explains he knocked but no one answered so he left the fan outside my front door, I open the door and sure enough, there it is. I'm opening the box while walking to the front room, I work up a sweat while building the fan, I'm rushing because it's is so sweltering in our flat. It. Is. Done, and it is beautiful, the air rushes around me, this is the first breeze I have felt all day, I get ready for bed and dive straight in, it is much more comfortable now I have moved the suitcases and the breeze reminds me of being on holiday. I drift off to sleep peacefully, not a single thought passes of the lurking cockroach.
24th July
I wake up and look towards the end of my bed, there it is, the fan, the best thing I own, I'm feeling to buy 100 and throw away ALL of my furniture. All I can think is how did I survive for so long without this, our house is hot like hell, if you think I'm joking, ask anyone, ever who has been here, the windows have to be open 24/7 even in the winter! I get myself up and out of bed at about 10-11am after watching some YouTube, I relocate to the couch to watch more YouTube. I decide to live on my own time today, I make my bed, put the laudry aaway, do a new wash and prepare breakfast, boiled eggs and soldiers, the king of sunday breakfasts, I make myself a coffee and plonk myself in front of KUWTK. I chill here for a few hours, subconsciously worrying and constantly checking for that cockroach. I hang the laudry out and then get myself washed, dressed and blowdry my hair. I go down to Tesco and grab a few bits I missed at Lidl the other day. I head back upstairs, watch Ali Wong on Netflix and prep my dinner, today I'm having something very simple and summery, Aarons tomato, onion and olive pasta, urgh, its my favourite thing, but I'm scared I wont do it justice, it's too simple so its really obvious if you get it wrong.
I don't do it justice obviously, BUT, its still very nice in its own way. I eat then decide its time to sort my eyebrwos out, I sit down and even them out while tidying them up, my eyebrows are very very important to me and they absolutely always have been. Everyone else has only been passionate about brows for the last few years, my brows have been my life from the end of primary school bishes. I'm trying to grow them more as they are sparse in some areas, which means I look not like myself at the moment, but I mange to get myself looking semi decent again. I file down my nails and decide I will paint them when I get in from work tomorrow. I spend time preparing everything for work so I can get out of the door seamlessly tomorrow, (yes, this is the key to life, get organized), I get my bag ready, my lunch packed in the fridge, my clothes ready and think how I would like my hair and make up tomorrow to look, who am I kidding, I'm gonna be too tired for that shit when tomorrow rolls around.
I come and work on my blog for an hour or so then Aaron runs through the house screaming, he caught the cockroach in some boxers (I left a glass in the bathroom for this exact moment by the way), I tell him not to squish it and instead to chuck it out the window and close all the windows so it cant get back in. The boxers go straight in a double bagged bin and immediately downstairs to the bin cupboard, hopefully that will be the end of that but only time will tell. I start straightening up the house for tomorrow, then I do a nightime facial, brush my teeth and head to bed.
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