Diary of a 23 year old nobody: 11/07-17/07

11th July 2016 

Today I turned 23.

I have finally made it to my birthday and I'm finally excited, the past three days have been gruelling. I'm usually so excited for my birthday and start celebrating from the moment we touch down in July and don't stop until we touch down in August, but this year, well, it's been different. I almost feel like I jinxed myself, I really wanted to celebrate as usual but the vibe just wasn't there and instead of just overriding that feeling I let it get in my head. This year I wanted to see everyone I love and care about, I also wanted to do something out of the ordinary for me, unfortunately I didn't think at any point if you're doing out of the ordinary you need to invest a lot more time to make it work, because I was stuck in this emotional rut I put the time in but not the effort to make it a success. I'm not a big party animal but, because I had the Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off I wanted to do something big that I probably wouldn't remember, I never do stuff like that and I think it would be good for me to experience that at least once to help me grow as a person by experiencing as much as I can at this point in my life. 

Anyway, on Friday's "party" 1 friend showed up, brandy in one hand, pizza in the other as a good friend should, this person wasn't going to be able to see me on the Saturday but made an effort to come round when he could which I appreciated. I was super tired mind so I wasn't majorly bothered that only one person showed up, we had a nice chilled evening, not what I was going for, but I really enjoyed myself and it was good to catch up.

On Saturday, I didn't end up having my party at all, maybe around 3 quarters of people didn't RSVP so it was really difficult for me to book something really fun because I didn't have numbers, I mean thank God I didn't spend anything booking it because bar two people everyone who did RSVP cancelled anyway, at that stage I thought it best for me not to waste anyone's time as the party location had moved to my house because of the football and tennis being on. I cried that evening though, I cried for a long, long time, I mean I know it's silly but it's not how anyone wants to see in their birthday, it's also the first time I have ever had a horrible birthday so I was feeling a little hurt and a bit sorry for myself. Aaron, my better half (for those who don't know) held me tight and stroked my hair and did all he could to try and lift my mood, it was hard work and it took a lot of time but eventually the tears stopped and we made the best of the evening we would have together instead, we ate lots of nachos (top tip: cheese always improves my mood) had a couple of drinks and fell asleep while watching a film. Oh and I paid my electricity bill (exciting times) really doing a bad job of escaping my responsible side. 

Sunday was a dull day to say the least, my God I was bored out of my mind, I had no money because all my bills had just come out and at this point and I was so over the whole birthday thing, I didn't want it to get any worse so I just wanted to nip it in the bud and not celebrate at all, just pretend I didn't have a birthday this year, you know? I did want to see my family though, I had asked everybody to keep my actual birthday free for dinner way in advance of this nightmare weekend and I had to stick to my guns and try and make the most of it. I messaged my mum to find out what time she had booked the table for, low and behold, the final hiccup, mum thought I booked the table, it's now the day before my birthday we've invited 20 ish people for dinner and we have no reservation, first thing in my mind was, well at least its a Monday, no ones going to be booking a big table on a Monday, how wrong I was, my preferred restaurant was fully booked and I just couldn't think of anywhere else in the same area that would work for everyone. I eventually found somewhere I had been looking to try for a while and mum called them and managed to get a booking in, thank God! Plus as far as I'm aware, bad news only comes in 3's so hopefully that's the worst it will get!

My birthday morning was lovely, Aaron prepared me a lovely breakfast with coffee and I chilled out watching friends for most of the day, before getting ready to see everyone for the evening, the getting ready process was a mess, I have never had a movie scene wardrobe moment but it literally was clothes flying all over the place, draped from lampshades that they'd landed on while I frantically tried to choose my outfit, I could have utilized the weekend for this haha, eventually I managed to get myself looking semi decent and we got an Uber to the restaurant. The meal tonight was lovely, well, food wasn’t grand, but the company and the experience made all these horrible feelings of self doubt and loathing disappear, I was with people who wanted to be around me and join in my celebration which was all I was seeking from the get go. Of course being that my birthday celebration was on a Monday, I didn’t want to keep everyone too late, we had our meal, a few of us headed to a cocktail bar and then I left at around 11:30pm. Aaron and our dear friend Ali left a bit before me (hahahaa I got the Uber all to myself) as Ali's partner was waiting at our house for us to get back from the dinner. I had a lovely greeting from them all when I finally stumbled through the door, dying for the loo and struggling to carry the mounds of cake I had left over in a pizza box. I was gifted with a gorgeous necklace from Ali's partner; she knows my style too well and greeted by Pip the dog who I haven’t seen since last October on much more sombre terms. Night turned to morning and Ali and crew left, I tried desperately to see out the 'evening' with Aaron but I conked out still in a full face of makeup, still needing the loo because I ran out of toilet paper and had no napkins or kitchen roll! Bad habits to start at this age... but at least for a few hours I escaped, super organized and sensible Liza.

12th July 2016

Well, my makeup is still in tact, actually it looks amazing considering I fidget in my sleep, if I just cleaned my eyes up I could get away with this face f makeup for another day, no touch ups required- not that I would, but I will give credit where credit is due, this Ben Nye Luxury powder and Urban Decay Primer Potion and De Slick setting spray combo really, really works for me and all of the products actually live up to the hype for once! I have to wash it off though it feels so gross, I can’t stand going to bed without washing my face! So ill be spending a lot of today trying to convince myself that didn’t happen and it certainly wont happen again any time soon. From one gross thing to the next, I decided today is a Mc Donald’s breakfast type of day and I am not sorry at all, I have stopped myself from buying for months and it's a rare treat, I think I can indulge the day after my birthday, for recovery purposes and all that. Me and Aaron walked up to the high street and picked up our food with extra hash browns, because we all know Mc D's do the best hash browns ever and after that I dragged my poor guy to boots with me because I desperately need to get rid of my roots and I haven’t the time or money to get my hair done at a salon, I pick up a packet dye, it' s been a looooong time since I've done a home hair job on myself, but it came out okay, not exactly how I wanted it but at least my hair is all the same colour now! (I even managed to dye my forehead, the colour is not coming off for love nor money so I get used to my new look and embrace it, hahaha). After all that has been taken care of me and Aaron start getting back to reality, we go back to work tomorrow so we need to sort out the house, there are still clothes hanging from the lampshade and shoes and make up scattered across the floor, we look like we've been burgled! I pack all my stuff for work tomorrow and we order a pizza (I sound like a really unhealthy person, I'm not, it's just a bit of a cheat day for us) watch some videos on YouTube and just chill, content with this last little bit of undisrupted time together, it's raining outside and I find the sound so relaxing, I mean it's annoying it's raining in July but what else should we expect, we live in London after all... The sound helps me drift off to sleep.

13th July 2016

Why on Gods green earth did I not book today off work? Well, actually I did so that question needs to be rephrased... Why on Gods green earth did I cancel the day of leave I had booked off of work today? Oh yeah, rent, food, bills... I am so not ready to go back to work. I'm never ready for work, I find it very sad that this is the life we as people have to live, we should be able to enjoy the world we live on with no restrictions, so whoever came up with this idea that we all need to work to barely survive just got it all wrong. Like at what point did the earth consent to these governments being in charge? Exactly, pardon the tangent but this is an internal thought process I go through daily, I don’t appreciate being forced into this life, I want to travel and embrace our world not be trapped in an office for 8 hours a day working my butt off for money that DOES grow on trees, it is paper after all. Then to add insult to injury I get taxed the sh*t out of, pardon my French, and I don’t even get to use my money to have fun when I get a day off. As I said, whoever came up with this idea is out of their flipping mind!

Once I move on from this though process (about10-15 minutes internally every single day) I grab some coffee and some buttery wholemeal toast (so good), it usually perks me up. It's currently 6am and my eyes feel like they're going to fall out of their sockets, I am surprisingly tired. I managed to drag myself out of bed, yes, I went back to eat my breakfast in bed... I start getting ready, I actually looked very professional, unusual for me, I did my hair and makeup for work and everything, #23yearoldlife #reallifeadultingpro. When I got to work I could have cried, I came in to the most beautiful little set up on my desk, my friends had stuck a birthday banner across it, I had a little balloon and card, some champagne truffles, a rose planter and a cake. Such little cuties, both of them knew I had a bit of a pants weekend and properly cheered me up! 

The only thing to put a dampener on this happy occasion was me being told by someone who had nothing to do with this surprise AND someone that I have actually never even spoken to before, that I must share my cake and making me feel guilty because I wanted to share it only with the girls who paid for it, I am not a sharing person, sorry not sorry,  live with my other half I have to share everything, including this cake when I get home, so it's nice to have something to yourself even if it is only for a few hours, at least I can grab a few slices of cake in peace before I start having to distribute it. Now my dislike for sharing doesn't mean I'm not generous, I am actually quite a generous person, I'd just rather buy you your own plate of food than let you take off mine if you catch my drift.

Me and one of the girls from work lingered around for 20 minutes after work until 7 to catch the off peak fare for the journey home, every penny counts you know. I called my dad on my way back home and we had a little catch up, I really miss him and my step mum and really need to book some time off to go up and visit them. When I eventually got home I made a lentil soup, I had only an onion, some garlic, lentils and spices in my house so that was about all I could make for dinner this evening. I tried and succeeded at avoiding doing the housework and I did the usual night time routine of watching a film and falling asleep before the film has even properly started, I'm not a big TV person.

14th July 2016

Coffee, buttery wholemeal toast and antihistamines, it's going to be one of those days, I'll save the speech about how I feel about work and our human experience today, although if you want to relive it, please do scroll up and read it again, it is the same, every day. My hay fever is mental today, probably karma for not sharing that cake, I can live with it though, the cake was absolutely amazing, it was a brownie on the bottom, with 2 layers of cake covered in a caramel buttercream icing *drools* I also have a nice slice waiting for me when I get home! I made an effort again today #soproud I even did my hair and make up AGAIN, is this 23? Is this what it feels like to be an actual adult? I'm supposed to be seeing my uncle M today to be gifted with more of his fiancés amazing chocolate brownies, my God, it's like a saint makes them, and they’re perfect every time, all this cake talk reminds me, I still need to text him to arrange this brownie exchange.

Work wasn’t as good as yesterday, obviously, but I am proud of myself, I have quite a hard time at work which doesn’t help me feel hyped up to go. I work in customer services, which doesn’t seem that challenging until you actually have to do it for 40 hours a week. There’s something about dealing with the general public that is really difficult, although the hardest thing for me is the lack of common sense, that’s not to be horrible to anyone who calls in that I help, I do it all the time myself when I call Vodafone or NatWest or Sky, it just seems all logic disintegrates by the time you actually get through to someone and that’s why everyone involved gets all stressy. Example: the only call that got to me today, not for anything other than the rudeness and attitude at my lack of magical mind reading abilities. Customer called looking to speak to a specific company to arrange something, called our company, which is not the one she was looking to speak to expecting me to be able to assist with the query, I tried to explain we don’t deliver the service she is explaining she is trying to arrange and that she has come through to the wrong place, this customer wants me to transfer them to the correct company, only thing is, the customer doesn’t know what this company is called. Now, I tried to keep my patience because I was getting shouted at a lot for not being able to resolve this for her, but I couldn’t help but let it get under my skin, I understand the customer is frustrated because they’re trying to arrange something and cant remember what the company is called but I also think it is absolutely ridiculous to get angry with someone for not being able to help you find the details for something when you don’t know what you're looking for yourself. So in short, be patient with us customer service people, we get a lot of people like this and I'm sure if you put yourself in our shoes for a second you would understand just how difficult it is, its like dealing with a new-born, they cant vocalise what they want with words only with sound, although the people who call can talk they don’t always know what they need help with, if we don’t know what it is you need help with it becomes a bit complicated and frustrating on both ends. Anyway enough talk about work, I'm just really pleased I'm growing into someone who is very patient and I am able to hold my temper a lot better than when I first started here.

I hung back after work for 15 minutes to wait for my friend who is going travelling, I wanted to make sure I had the opportunity to say goodbye and wish him well on his travels as I'm not in tomorrow and I won’t be able to say goodbye with everyone else. We got the train together as he lives in the same direction as me and I stayed on the train until I reached my uncles house. I am amazed I found my way there; I always forget which house it is every time I go to visit! I was greeted with a G&T and brownies and ice cream, that in my eyes is some serious hosting goals! Much of the evening was spent talking about wedding dresses with my uncle’s fiancé and yes if you must know, I have already chosen my wedding dress even though I'm not engaged just yet; the next leg of the conversation was about Longchamp and my undying obsession with Longchamp bags. I pottered home at about 9pm and got back to my favourite person shortly afterwards as per we put on a film and I conked out almost immediately (I feel like this is going to be the legacy I leave behind- the girl who always falls asleep in films).

15th July 2016 

I actually managed to sleep in today for once, such a rarity when I have a day off, I slept until about 8:30am (yes that is a lie in for me), I had a near death experience when I woke up this morning, okay in hindsight maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but I panicked, I had a nice morning stretch, as you do... I do not know what happened but I must have pulled my shoulder except it wasn’t just my shoulder it was the whole of the right side of my body, my back, my chest, my stomach, my heart stopped beating for a hot second I was in agony, plus I've a mirror opposite my bed (bad Feng Shui I know) but seeing my own facial expression and the anguish made it a million times worse! I couldn’t move at all, it took a good few minutes to lie back down. I only got out of bed once I had regained the ability to move again.

As usual my day off starts with a bit of housework, but today by a bit I mean everything I have desperately struggled to ignore for the past week. In the midst of my 90's montage style cleaning session I got a call from my friend B who I am supposed to meet up with today. My original plan was to go to the doctors, go up to Selfridges (I have some gift vouchers) go for a walk through Hyde park and then meet B before we go to see our friend S, because I couldn’t move this morning I actually had to cancel my doctors appointment and although its warm out it wasn't sunny so I wasn’t up for my walk in Hyde park. B and I agreed to meet each other in Croydon and I followed her to Hammersmith where she had a quick bit of work to finish. I wandered off while she dealt with that and spent copious amounts of money in Boots of all places and money on everything apart from what I went in there for as per. I took myself over to Starbucks and sat down and began drafting more work for my blog, I've got some interesting stuff coming up, well in my opinion anyway.

Once she had finished we headed back to Brixton to see S and her little one, while we were waiting for her to get back home we stopped for a late lunch at a little pub Aaron used to work at in Herne Hill, the food was okay but the menu has shrunk a lot since Aaron was there. We headed to S' house and I was finally reunited with my favouritest baby in the world, my goodness the love I have for this kid is unreal, just such a well behaved, calm and beautiful baby. I was looking to leave around 7pm but we got there a bit later than we thought, B must have stayed until around 8ish, I was goanna leave with her but we were going different directions so I decided to stay a little longer and catch up with S as I miss our late nights, we had some dinner and nattered away until about 12:30am at which point I had to tear myself away and head home for bed because I have work tomorrow, granted I have a late start but I want to be fresh as a daisy when I wake up tomorrow.

16th July 2016

Well that fresh as a daisy plan went out the window this morning! It took me about 2 and a half hours to detach myself from my bed this morning, I am absolutely exhausted. I am so so unbelievably grateful to have a 12pm start at work today, I want to try something different today though, so I got up, got ready and out of the house by 10am. I usually leave as late as I can to get to work which means when I get in I feel lethargic and drained because I've tried to postpone coming in as much as I possibly can and already put myself in a negative headspace. Today I needed to go to the post office anyway so after I had posted my item I hobbled down to Starbucks AGAIN, God damn their delicious concoctions. I walked down to the station while doing a sly bit of window shopping and hopped on an early train to work. I called my grandma on my way in and had a nice catch up, I usually call a few times in the week but it's been so hectic I just haven't found a second to do it. She had some surgery last year and is still recovering but is going back to work tomorrow for the first time in quite a number of months, she seems a little concerned but I have confidence she will be fine and will be back to her old self in no time, she's been in her industry for years, she knows what she's doing.  

Work has been alarmingly quiet today, I say alarmingly because that probably means I'm going to have a sh*ttonne of calls tomorrow, you know, just to level everything out. Most of my day in the office has been spent on life and blog admin, with casual conversations about everything from father figures to make up products, pregnancy gender reveals to Brexit. You name it; we had a conversation about it. A lot can be discussed in 8 hours.

On another note, I've been really thinking about this whole turning 23 thing, it's weird to say it but I feel a shift in my attitude, I feel a lot calmer for some reason, and I'm not sure why but I feel a lot more confident and sure of myself as a person. Maybe just maybe I'm outgrowing my anxiety, I can hope at least... Only 2 hours left until I can be reunited with Aaron, it sounds clingy but I love my man, I love being around him, I love everything about him even the bad stuff, I just love our love, it's just so pure. Every time I see his face it lifts my spirit and I'm feeling a little poorly today so I really can't wait to be back home and snuggled up, cheesy I know, but I am counting the milliseconds until I am back in my own domain.

On my way back home I call my old man to catch up with him, he's had an accident at work so has been out of action for the last few days, it's always a bit of a blessing and a curse when that happens, but I guess what he loses in money he makes up for with the opportunity for a little break he now has. Once I get in from work Aaron and I catch up and order a pizza, I know, I said last time would be the last time but this pizza shop does the most amazing food and it’s actually not the worst quality pizza so I don’t think it's too bad. After tossing and turning for hours because of my poorly-ness I manage to get to sleep.

17th July 2016 

I woke up at 5:30 am today, no more lie ins for me- not that I didn't try to get a bit more sleep, but I just feel so unwell, I know I need rest but I just cant get comfortable, my tummy is giving me so much grief. Instead of sleeping, I look at the Zara sale and end up spending £120 in the sale- whoops- I have spent it on work stuff so it is stuff I need, but it will leave me a bit short this week, although to be honest I got a decent amount of stuff and saved a fortune based on original prices so I'm not too devastated, its money, it'll be back in my account on Friday it's not the end of the world, just feels a bit strange to have spent that much money before 7am on a Sunday. I managed to get a couple of loads of laundry done before I needed to leave the house this morning and made myself a packed lunch for work. After getting ready, today is a no makeup day for the record, I get out of the door at around 10:30 (old habits die hard, I'm procrastinating again, at least with good reason, I feel absolutely awful at the moment).

I walk to the station, the bus is too much noise and too hot, once I get there I realise my train isn’t for another 26 minutes! I forgot it was Sunday today, this calls for ANOTHER Starbucks, it's probably going to make me feel worse but at least it will make me smile. I wander back to the station after getting the usual order Caramel Frappe with 2 shots of coffee, no cream. I have a bit of time to spare before my train gets here, so I open the parcel I received in the post yesterday from Birchbox, my auntie very kindly gifted me with a 3 month subscription. I was so pleased because I have wanted to try one of these beauty subscriptions for ages and I haven’t been able to choose which company I want to set it up with, there are just so many, so at least I can test the waters for these next few months. I am pleasantly surprised; I actually got some really great products and quite high end too, Rituals, Caudalie, John Frieda, Nails Inc and Millie Mackintosh. I can’t wait to test all these products out and do some product reviews for you guys!

I board my train to work and try and keep my cool, I feel jittery and like I'm either going to vomit or my arsehole is going to explode (sorry for the imagery, but I always keep it real) I am really starting to think I might have a tummy bug, quite a few people at work have done and have had similar symptoms but I'm so annoyed about it! I am supposed to go to Portsmouth later this week and I was really looking forward to it and I don’t want to miss out but at the moment I'm really not feeling up to it. Once I arrive at the office, I cannot stop sweating my God, I feel like I've just done a 2 hour workout, my body feels like it is overheating, I feel like I need to go home, but it's quiet today so I'm going to try my hardest to sit this out.  

I manage to survive about 3.5 hours of work before I feel like I have to leave, there is no air in the office, no windows that are opened, I feel like I'm going to pass out my hands are quivering, I'm sweating profusely and I feel like I'm going to be sick any minute. I speak to one of the managers and ask if I can leave early today because I have training tomorrow which I absolutely cannot miss and I need to start feeling remotely normal. She lets me leave early and Aaron picks me up to make sure I make it home safely, because I am feeling quite faint, the heat outside is definitely not helping although it is absolutely beautiful out today, I just wish I could actually appreciate it. The rest of the evening was a bit of a blur, most of the evening was spent trying to eat something and trying to rest, both tasks seemed impossible, every time food got near me the smell would make me feel sick, every time I tried to sleep my stomach would seize up in cramps and pain. Eventually I managed to get some sleep.