Update: I think Lizanne's gone craaazy. (Play on Eminem, if you get it you get it)

Firstly, I'd like to start strong, I am sorry for my absence, if you've been missing me. I've been dealing with some shit that's been pretty shitty (obviously Liza) and is ongoing so I cannot guarantee my presence as much as I want to at the moment, it's for my own sanity, I'm sure you can understand... 

I had a bit of a meltdown, outside work, in front of many people about a month ago (yes, it was so embarrassing) I cannot for love nor money tell you what managed to get my head that tied up, but I'm willing to bet my anxiety played a lead role in it. I took a week off work (not long enough, but rent needs to be paid and I need my job) spoke to my GP, family and friends, I immersed myself in nature (cheesy as it sounds, that's just what I need right now) I spent time trying to find beauty in things again. Soooo cliché, but who doesn't love a cliché...? 

Genuinely, I am starting to lose the will to do anything, I want what I want, I want to live in a quiet area, away from people (I prefer limited company) where I can work from home (preferably my own business, because I don't like people that much) I want to rest. The problem is, I have a goal but I have no willpower to make it happen, it's like all my faith in myself has gone and right now, I'm too tired to find it. 

I cannot deal with the simple pressures of life, even a crowded train is too much for my brain to process right now, being able to work out a budget for myself is near impossible, I just see binary for a life that's frankly a bit crap that I cannot afford, I cant even drag my clean freak self out of bed to sort my house out, I can't talk to my friends because I don't want to burden them but also I don't think this has reached the point that I need to just yet, I can see very clearly my own head is fucking with me.

I cannot deal with the simple pressures of my job, I find it easy to be roped into tirades of negativity, I'm annoying myself and almost certainly others but I cannot stop and maybe that's me, maybe as I've said before I need to live through this bullshit bubble, but the other side of me is desperately searching for some hope.

Will I ever find my way to it?

Who knows, but that's where I'm at right now and I owe it to you as kind readers of my thoughts, to let you know. I've got a few things lined up so stay with me, I'm not a total lost cause yet!