1st August 2016
My alarm goes off at 4:30am, I snooze until 5:50am, I'm so exhausted, even more so than usual, not one part of me wants to go to work, also it's Aarons day off and I really miss having proper time with him. I did contemplate calling in because I can barely move for exhaustion but I force myself out of bed and into the shower. I get ready, I still don't feel 100% but I feel a bit better than I did before. I'm so tired I get a bus to the station, go to Greggs because I didn't have time to make breakfast so I have a toastie from there. I bump into the same homeless guy I saw yesterday and he asks me for change, I feel awful but I don't usually carry cash so I rarely have change. I ask if he will be there tomorrow and say if he is I will give him a bit of change to get something to eat or I'll get him something from Greggs, he says theres a cashpoint 2 seconds away, I'm not being funny but if I don't withdraw cash for myself I'm definitely not going to withdraw cash for someone else. I explain my train is here but I promise if I see him tomorrow I will sort him out with something to eat.
I get on my train realising this whole time I had a toastie, granted it was for me but I could've just given it to him, it didn't even cross my mind, now I feel double guilt. I get into to work and get logged in and start taking calls, from 8am until 4pm it was non stop. I wonder where people find the time? Anyway I started making plans with Aaron at lunchtime to go to Epsom to see our friends J & R and some other people, when I left work I called him and said I'll head to Waterloo to start making my way and I'll call him once I'm there. I couldn't have been on the tube any longer than 20 minutes, when I get to Waterloo I call him and he tells me him and the boys are going to someone else's house and that he will see me at home.
I'm royally fucked off, I just spent £5 I don't really have, to come to Waterloo which is a station I cant even get a direct route home from for literally no reason. I go to Boots, I know they sometimes stock NYX products and I wanted to see if they had the liquid lipsticks that's one way I can cheer myself up. They don't have it, of course, but they do have them in Croydon so I'll probably go tomorrow if I can be bothered. I do a consultation with the Liz Earle counter as I need some new skincare products, I get a free sample, I'm well chuffed because I can properly test the waters now before investing in it. I call my grandma and catch up with her for a bit, I call K as I know she finishes work around this time and I'm probably going to be in Battersea for a bit so if she's around it would be nice to see her. Me and K meet each other at Waterloo and hop on a train to Clapham Junction.
She said she didn't have long because she was supposed to go for a run so we decide to grab a cheeky drink before, we go to the Slug and Lettuce, it's the closest place to us, we get a bottle of rose prosecco, rose is not a good drink for me, I feel it so much the next day and I've no idea why, but we have that and order some food, we both twin and get sausage and mash. Our friend M comes to meet us for a little bit and we have a nice drink and catch up with each other, we cut the evening short because K still has to go for her run, she is definitely braver than me, it's pissing rain outside!
I get on the train to head back to Croydon, I'm not gonna lie once the fresh air hit me I started to feel a little tipsy and it felt damn good for once to not be in complete control. I called Aaron to find out where he was, he said he was literally just getting indoors now, our friend Y is coming over for a bit. We chatted until I got to East Croydon, all the while someone's alarm was going off on their phone, literally, 15 minutes solid, it was SO annoying, what made it worse is it's the alarm I use to wake up, so for about 5 minutes I kept taking the phone from my ear and checking it wasn't me because I was cussing out whoever it was and I didn't want to shame myself on the train when it's busy.
I got off the train and tried to call my other surrogate L, but she works in a pub so I know she's probably busy, I try to call my friend C because I need to make a plan with her really soon it's been far too long, her phone goes to voicemail. I call my other friend C and chat with him for the walk home, I contacted him last week asking if he was around for a drink this coming Friday, he replied and I forgot to text back as per. We had a really good catch up and we make the plan to meet on Friday a bit more official. I get back to my block, I have a chat with our security guy S, best concierge/security ever he literally brightens my day when they've been tough, he's always ready with a high five for everyone who comes in the building and he is brilliant with all the kids too.
I get upstairs and give Aaron and Y a hug and get comfortable, I have another drink, whoopsie anyone would think it wasn't a Monday and that I didn't have work tomorrow, we have a nice chilled evening. Y has work tomorrow too so he makes a move but not before reliving some of the 2009 dubstep days, redeye goes on real quick! I stay up with Aaron for a little bit once Y has left and have a bit more drink, all in all though I still have an early night and am in bed before midnight.
2nd August 2016
I wake up at 4am normally, but my stupid head tells me to try and sleep a bit more, I wake up at 6am groggy with half an hour to get ready and leave my house. I get showered and dressed and walk to the bus stop, I'm being lazy again and getting the bus today. I get to the station and go to Greggs for a sausage roll and orange juice, I'm feeling feeble. The homeless guy wasn't there today so I guess I'll just keep a hold of the change I got for him in case I see him later. I get to work and get logged in, I struggle all the way through to lunch, not really much else to report on the work front.
I went to Nando's with my friend S for lunch, I tell you I felt a million times better with some proper food in me. We had a really nice lunch and I met one of her friends too, when we came out, it was pissing down with rain, S readjusted her shoe situation to try and keep her feet from getting too wet and we walked back over to the office. I was a couple minutes late back from my lunch so I scrambled to get logged in but it was a little bit quieter through the afternoon which helped me nurse myself back to a semi normal state.
I just realised I'm on a late shift on Friday, I cant meet C for a drink at 4, is that even a good idea after how I am feeling at the moment? I'll need to text him. While were on the subject I message my other friend S, I was supposed to see her today but I feel awful and I really need sleep, I text her explaining I have been super irresponsible and am paying for my actions. She's fine about it, so I can put my mind at ease, I just need to get through work and get home.
Eventually I escape work and start making my way back to the comfort of my bed, I get the tube part way with my friend T, I get off and jump on a train back to Croydon. I call Aaron on my way home and ask him if he can make dinner today, I ask for this olive/tomato pasta dish, similar to the one I tried to make last week, he asks me to grab the missing ingredients and he will cook it. I head to Tesco's once I reach Croydon and grab all the necessary bits and bobs were missing, plus stuff for breakfast tomorrow, I really do not want to go anywhere tomorrow. I also buy a magazine purely for the free gift, not a thing that happens often, but its a free gift from Benefit and it's a clear brow gel which is something I could actually do with at the moment.
I get back indoors and hand the food shopping over to Aaron, while he is making dinner I get changed into my pj's and chill on the couch for a bit, he sorts the laundry out as well as the food, he knows I'm exhausted and he had today off. We eat dinner then settle down in front of a bit of TV, Netflix wasn't working for some reason, I don't know if its my TV or if its my Netflix subscription (which mum pays for, we all share). I drift off relatively quickly but I remember before dozing off, being so, so glad to be in bed and not need to get up early tomorrow.
3rd August 2016
I wake up, I don't even know when because today I don't need to care, it's FINALLY my day off! I plan to spend as much of my day chilling as physically possible, I'm really tired and I need to get some proper rest. Before I can properly relax I need my space to be clean and tidy so I spend most of my late morning/ early afternoon doing that. I make myself boiled eggs and soldiers and prep dinner for me and Aaron so when he gets back he doesn't have to do anything.
The rest of the day I spend on my bed or couch, lounging upside down watching YouTube.
When 4pm rolls around I decide its time to be productive so I have a long bath, give my skin a nice scrub with a homemade coconut oil, honey and sugar scrub, I shave, wash my hair and give myself a mini facial, before moisturizing and getting into some fresh pj's, I blow dry my hair and get comfy once again. When Aaron gets home I cook us both dinner and we repeat the same routine as last night, still no Netflix, what is going on?! I go to sleep peacefully knowing I have a late start tomorrow.
4th August 2016
I wake up at 6am today, so much for that late start, but at least I wake up on my own time. I chill in bed for a little while, Aaron calls me to give me a heads up that there are travel disruptions and my usual route isn't running because of a sink hole. Really? In England? I chat away with him until he gets to work and gradually drag myself out of bed, I make my bed and head to the kitchen for breakfast. I make myself more boiled eggs and soldiers, now I have figured out how to cook it like mum does I eat this all the time! Obviously it's not as perfect but it's good enough. I set my plate down and watch some reruns while I eat, I contemplate what time to leave to get to work on time, look up journeys and as per it says mine are fine, I just know when I get to the station its going to be a different story.
I get showered and dressed, clean my mess from the morning and pack my stuff for work, I take the rubbish out and walk to the station early, maybe 40mins earlier than usual. I get to the station and surprise my service that I use isn't running, but, it's not the end of the world, I have extra time. I grab myself something to eat because for some reason I'm still super hungry, get down to my platform and wait for a different service, one that goes to London Bridge, I get on what I think is my train, but no, it not, its actually a London Victoria train because their services have also been disrupted, I get back on the platform and wait ANOTHER 15mins, get on my train and end up stopping and starting continuously to London Bridge. By the time I get to London Bridge I should have already had my arse parked at my desk and I'm starting to lose the will of even wanting to go in, its taken over 2 hours in total to get to here at I'm not even at my final destination. I decide to suck it up and go to work, I end up getting in 25mins late and frazzled.
I let a manager know I am finally here and get logged in and start taking calls, I start working my way through the queue until I get a moment of silence, God it's so rare and golden. I go down for a cigarette in my break and sort out a case I got a call in regard to on Tuesday, I promised I would call her back today. I get back on the phones and it's seemingly the same thing over and over today. Eventually lunch comes and I catch up with my friend T, I head downstairs for a smoke, I don't eat anything, in hindsight this wasn't a great idea now I feel really sick. I get back on the phones and work through until home time, I wish I had something more interesting to fill this work day with but unfortunately I just don't, I was over today already from yesterday hahaha.
4 minutes until the end of my shift, phone call roulette begins, am I going to get stuck behind? Who knows... This is the worst part of the day, so nerve wracking unless you had a case that requires you staying in after call and you can wing it through. I get a call btw, so pissed.
I start pondering how the hell I'm going to get home and pray that my usual route will be up and running again.
My usual route is not up and running again, I get to London Bridge and desperately search for a train going to Croydon that isn't cancelled. I'm starving as well, after about 20mins of running round different areas of the station I find a train, I head over to the platform and plonk myself on a seat at the front. There's still 10 minutes until this train leaves, I wish I utilised this time more effectively and brought some food, but I didn't so I wait. My train eventually leaves, it takes so, so long to get home but some highlights of the journey were catching up with my God brother C who I haven't spoken to for ages, seeing a lady cooking in her bra (and wishing I could telepathically tell her EVERYONE on the train can see her, just for future reference you know), having some nostalgia as my train went through Streatham and having my friend B ask me about KUWTK (usually I am judged for my love of the Kardashians, fuck it actually while I'm here I love Kanye too, YEAH I said it).
At around 21:40 I arrive in Croydon, I feel like I might faint that's how hungry I am, I ask Aaron if he is hungry he says no so I just grab some chips from some chicken shop that I don't trust the chicken from, hence why I only ever buy chips from there. I walk out the last part of my journey in solitude because my phone battery dies, probably because I have spent the last 14% of it on snapchat talking shit about Croydon smelling like a shitty arsehole. Don't judge I live there I know, it smells horrible and if your from or live round there, don't even try and lie to yourself, you know it smells like batty.
I get indoors, literally strip to my bra, pants, tights and shoes, I know, I was hot and hungry I was rushing, I sat in my undergarments and shoes eating for a good 20 minutes before getting into my pj's. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and literally jumped into bed, I also told my bed how much I love it, even if it gives me all sorts of back problems.
5th August 2016
I wake up bright and early today, 6am, I decide today I'm going to leave extra early to make sure I don't end up in the same situation as yesterday, I shower, brush my teeth and get dressed. I grab my work stuff plus something I need to return to Zara and head out of my house at around 9am. I walk up to the high street, check the trains, which coincidentally are running fine today (no need for me to leave this early), Zara still isn't open. I head to Boots to buy some of the Liz Earle products, I am actually obsessed, I buy a starter kit which has 4 full sized products and two face cloth's, it was £45 but not too bad considering individually each product is around £15-25, I also brought 2 nyx soft matte lip cream's £56 down before 10am, jeeze. I walk back over to Zara and i's still not open, so I decide to pop to Primark for a bit, I wanted to get some home stuff (hangers) but I literally brought everything but that, well not everything but a couple of jumpers a dress and a vest/body thing, I walk slowly over to Zara again and at long last it is open, I return my items and on my way out notice a really cool skirt for a fiver in the sale that would be perfect for work, I also see a white version of the top I am wearing today and grab them.
Finally it is edging closer to the time I can actually get my train, I grab a Mc Donalds breakfast and immediately regret it, I'm so hungry and I'm not in the mood for it anymore so the thought of it is making me feel more sick. I eat it anyway just before I get on my train, I don't mind people eating on the train but I know some people don't appreciate it. I get the train and arrive to work an HOUR early, there's really not a lot for me to do where I work so I have a cigarette catch up with my friends downstairs and head up with about 30mins until I have to be logged in. I catch up with my team and get a couple compliments on my attire for the day, I grab a coffee and some water and log in at my desk ready to start taking calls.
Today is crazy busy and then eerily quiet then crazy busy again, it's very confusing. Eventually lunch time rolls around after much deliberation I opt for cucumber and avocado sushi with a couple of fried prawn rolls from Wasabi and a caramel frappe from Starbucks. I make my way through my lunch and get back on the phones, I contemplate my life very deeply for about an hour, I really don't think I'm cut out for this whole customer service thing I don't know if it's me or if it's them but obviously I'm doing something to piss people off when they start randomly popping off at me for trying to help. It's a struggle but I'll keep it up as long as I can. I finally reach break time so I head down for another cigarette, I contemplate whether or not I am going to go out tonight as I had planned to see my friend C, I let him know already that I finish late today, I haven't heard anything back but now I also have a shit tonne of clothes shopping to carry home which certainly makes drinking at a pub on Friday a little bit trickier than usual, but I'll see how I go, maybe I can go for one, although that never happens, I'm blatantly a closet alcoholic.
I'm exhausted from work I don't think I'm actually going to make it for this drink, plus I have so much to do tomorrow do I really want to be hanging out of my arsehole? I go to get the train home with all of my goodies and decide I need to do a proper clear out of all of my stuff tomorrow because things are piling up, I'm going to do another house cleanse I really want to get back to basics, there are too many things I am holding onto. Anyway when I walk to the station I call my friend to cancel, that goes exactly the other way as he tells me they have disbanded ANOTHER team, I know I don't work there anymore but I always keep in the loop, plus he has had a bit of bad news recently so I want to make sure he is okay.
I make my way to Highbury & Islington and walk up to The Horatia, C is outside with R and I haven't seen R in easily over a year! We head inside and I am greeted by more familiar faces that I haven't seen in months. I get myself a drink, double Jäger and Coke, obviously, thanks sister L for putting me on to this drink and caramel coffee based frappes at Starbucks, I set all my shit down and the table and catch up with all the gossip, time passes really quickly and the bar staff let us know they were closing early, to be fair for a Friday it was DEAD quiet, I was exhausted anyway so I was good to go.
We walked up to Holloway Road station and got the tube to Kings Cross we changed onto the Victoria line to head to Stockwell. When we got onto the platform we bumped into more friends, N, D and M, I haven't seen these three for at least a year, I was so pleased to run into them, we caught up on the tube and both or groups were heading in different directions so we parted ways at Stockwell, we need to do something soon guys if you're reading this, you know who you are!
Anyway me and C went to Clapham, I decided I would head back to his for a little bit I haven't been to his for a while and I LOVE his house, we decided to just chill for a bit and then I would get a cab back, my battery was super low and I didn't want it to die on my way home if I was on my own. When I got there, I totally forgot that another friend S was living there now. We all chilled watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics and caught up for a bit. It got to around 2:45-3am ish when I actually decided to make a move, I couldn't charge my phone as I forgot my charger, so I didn't want my battery to die and I would have to wait until real life morning to leave. I got an uber home, washed my face and brushed my teeth before snuggling up to Aaron and falling asleep.
6th August 2016
Aaron leaves for work at 5:30am, so I wake up early but I do go back to sleep until around 9am ish, when I wake up I start working on decluttering, but I'm so tired the will do to it dies quickly and I just about manage to declutter my makeup drawer and bathroom shelves. I make a fish finger sandwich for breakfast because I'm currently living that I haven't gone food shopping for ages life. I mooch around for a lot of the day, try a new make up look I didn't like on me, just trying to kill time because I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I text a friend to ask if they were around to help me sort something out, he invited me out to one of his friends gig, I decided I would go as its not far from my house and also I haven't seen Y or G for ages anyway.
I get showered and dressed, whack my hair in a bun, put some mascara on and set my brows in a total of 15 minutes, so I don't wanna hear no more shit from ANYONE about girls taking forever to get ready. I pack a bag and get myself out the door, I grab some tobacco from the shop and my favourite sweet drink, its lemonade but it's proper, its like sparkling water with lemon, lime and mint, it tastes like a mojito without the alcohol, its lush! I jump on a 109 and head towards Brixton, I get off the bus near the prison, withdraw some cash and walk down to the venue. I try to call Aaron to let him know I probably won't speak with him later because I'll be out, I can't get through so I send a text asking him to text me when he finishes so I'll can move somewhere quiet to catch up with him.
I pay to get in and try and find Y. Out of nowhere I hear someone say my name except its a girls voice, I did see a couple of people I knew might be here, I turn around to find my friend K, except this K is one I haven't seen since I left school, I ask what she's doing here, her partner is in the band my friend is in, how has it been this long and I didn't even put two and two together?! I tell Y to grab me a drink Jäger and Coke again, I missed the set unfortunately, but I give G a half hug, introduce myself to K's boyfriend D and head outside, I meet G's girlfriend, I am amazed I have never met her before, I think I saw her at a party once upon a time, but we get to chatting about Cyprus, we've basically all been at some point this year. We grab some food, K comes out to the table, we talk for a couple hours, I don't even know, but there's a lot to catch up on. Eventually the sunshine disappears and we enter the evening, out of nowhere my friend F shows up at the table, I ain't seen this bishh in a hot second, the SOUL SISTAS are reunited, she's with her friend B, such a nice girl it was my first time meeting her but she was just lovely.
I needed to catch up with F, she has some big news and a lot has changed since I last saw her we waffled for about an hour or so, I went in to get a drink with B, came back out and talked to B and K for most the evening. Everyone started making moves to leave, it ended up being me, Y, F and B, the last ones standing. I caught up with Y as there's been some serious drama popping off recently. It took an hour and a half of waiting for uber prices to drop before I could make a move, but we got caught in some nostalgia of times we used to hang out when we were growing up, eventually it reached about 2:45-3am again and I decided I needed to leave, thing is I know if I stayed out I would have a wicked night but that's not the type of night I came out for in the first place. I'd rather leave with a good memory of the evening instead of getting completely turnt and losing tomorrow as well.
I gave everyone some love and hugs and I ducked out in an uber, which I ended up paying higher fare on anyway (pissed), I got home to be greeted by some well dressed tramp taking a piss outside my block like I live in ends, this is a fancy block with security and all, I cussed him out for being so nasty, I've no qualms usually but he came from the party across the road which is in a hall/restaurant/bar, what's wrong with toilets then fam? If there's a problem piss on the side of the road you were on don't come outside my crib with your nastiness.
Anyway, I headed upstairs and crawled into bed, so much space, Aaron stayed at his mums tonight. I watched some TV for a bit, the Olympics, ergh, I'm over it already. I turn the TV off and go to sleep.
7th August 2016
I hear my phone going off, it's 6am, it's Aaron, I speak with him for about an hour about the evening, I'm guessing, I was like half asleep, but he has to go into work so we hang up and I go back to sleep, I officially rise from my ashes at 11am ish. I want pizza, I'm so hungry I ate barely anything last night, I'm so exhausted that I can't actually stand for longer than a couple of minutes, overworked is an understatement. Although I've broken my own pact with myself regarding going through of my stuff, I know I just need to rest today. I doze for a bit longer and once I wake properly I order myself a pizza.
I start my day officially by putting a wash on and counting my cash, £26, not ideal but it could be much worse. I straighten up the house and get back into bed, messy space = messy mind. My pizza arrives after about 40 minutes, longer than usual but I set myself up with a bit of TV and food. To be entirely honest with you I haven't done anything today to write about, I wanted to go out today but I know I need to rest in order to get through this week without feeling like I want to end my life, dramatic yes but true. Genuinely, I find it very difficult to cope with my day to day life, I know I'm getting fucked over on a daily by the people at 'the top' that doesn't affect some people, for me it's all I think about, how is it fair? How does this run? How did this happen? How fucked is it that these people do not understand that their thoughtlessness affects millions of us? How them standing with us could improve not only their lives but ours too? Anyway enough of that I don't want you to join me in my sinking ship of sadness at the world.
I write a list of stuff to do tomorrow morning before work that I couldn't (didn't) get done today. Aaron calls me when he has finished work, he bumped into my grandma (Mimi for future reference) and her friend C, they had a nice little chat and he went on to his mums. In this time I now had to myself I started working more on my blog, I've got a lot of content building, a lot of different styles of writing I'm working on, in all honestly I feel I've lost my touch, but maybe that's down to the fact my primary subject is me, it's quite difficult to write about yourself on a day to day basis, I feel my life is so boring, but, I'm not going to lie and make it seem really exciting when I'm just your average person. As I said I'll always keep it feel with you guys and as boring as my life may be right now, I don't know what it will be in future I think this for me is about growth, to be able to look back and read all my diary entries and have all of my memories like a story, I don't know, it's cheesy but I quite like the idea of it, I like documenting my life.
Aaron calls back and we chat for about 45mins, he has a really early start for work tomorrow so we don't elongate the call too much, I really, really miss him though, I know it's only been two days but honestly once you live with someone, sometimes even going to work is a challenge, I love our love and I adore being in his presence, he is more than important to me. I tell him I'm excited that I'll get to see him tomorrow and wish him sweet dreams and just like that, I'm alone with my thoughts again. One good thing I have been doing on my days off is not watching TV 24/7, but at the same time, I feel with my brain sometimes it's best I'm not left alone with my thoughts for too long, I feel it can be detrimental to my mental wellbeing because it is so easy to get trapped in a cycle of negativity particularly in this world we live in.
I wash my face and brush my teeth before getting into bed with pizza, I refuse to get comfortable as I will need to get up to brush my teeth again but for the time being this will do. By the way, I sit in my bed all the time because I live in a studio flat and my sofa is about as comfortable as a bed of nails, just wanted you guys to know I'm not a slob (I am). I finish my food, clean up, brush my teeth and get back into bed, I'm starting my day early tomorrow and I want to be fresh and capable when I wake up tomorrow, I have a lot I have swept under the rug that needs to be sorted out.
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